Hollywood hung up on you.

There are afternoons,
I imagine you coming back for me.
Days where I sit by the front door,
hoping to hear your footsteps coming up the walkway.
But they never do.
You never do.
You haven’t been back here in years,
not that things have changed.
Nothing ever changes here.
I wonder if you ever did come back,
if you would look for me.
I’m not the little girl you left behind anymore though.
Some days I look at my reflection in the mirror,
and barely recognize my own face.
If I’m unsure of my own identity,
how can someone else claim they know me? One thing that always stuck with me,
even now ten years down the line;
was that you told me the world was waiting. I had believed you then,
A silly child,
dreaming of happy endings and fairy tales.
Now I know,
you weren’t trying to inspire me, you were running away.
The world doesn’t wait,
it never has.
This world will spin you around until you feel sick.
If you came back here now, you’d have to pry the front gates open, they’re not locked, just unused.
I want to tell you that now I know,
The world may not wait for anybody, but it will let you along for the ride.
You’ll get through this,
but you won’t come out alive.

It’s the middle of the day.

Good morning.
Good morning.

With all this suffocating darkness,
I would have thought it midnight;
I would have, if not for the small, faint, chirping of the early day bird songs,
that are seeping through the leaking windowpanes of my bedroom.

In the air, hangs the dormant smell of last night’s whiskey, worn leather, and fresh coffee grounds.

There’s something wicked lurking through my house today, filling in the corners and climbing up the walls.

I can hear it like radio static, scraping the insides of my skull.
Almost like nails down a blackboard, it leaves my brain clutching to the darkness.

I want to crawl back under those blankets and forget what I must do, but responsibility is screaming for me to move.

I still can’t see anything, there is a gray light touching the edges of my peripheral vision now.

I’ve never been good at gray scale, my everything is always so black and white.

Always one or the other but never both, not until last night.

Last night when I tried to fold myself like a napkin in your lap, after years of laying wrinkled.

I remember the night i met you.We danced, delicately. You held me like a wine glass, with slow, practiced hands.

Now, years later, all that is left of us are dirty clothes piled on the floor, shattered glass ware and your almost full ashtray.

You stormed out and haven’t come back once. But I’m still waiting here, under these covers, hoping that chirping I hear, will morph into slow, practiced footsteps coming back to me.

The smell of coffee, old worn out leather and stale whiskey, coats my lungs. Just like a dormant, wicked, shadow, waiting to climb into the corners of me; the ones you, left empty.

Good morning.
No, good night.

Colored Glass.

Well well well, it’s Valentine’s Day evening! I hope you all had a great day! I woke up quite late, about noon…ish. I rolled myself out of bed, took one look out the window…and almost went back to sleep. It was just a wall of white out there! The snow was flying everywhere the wind was so strong!

So after at least four cups of strong black coffee, and a scalding hot shower(I’m a sadist, I enjoy torturing myself), I ventured out into the frigid temperatures; it was about -4 or so not including the wind chill…which made it -16 and that sucked balls. The roads were not plowed and the snow was being blown all over the roads so it made it almost impossible to see even a foot beyond the hood of my car! It was so windy, I was sliding all over the road and I’m thankful there wasn’t ice. Otherwise…I probably wouldn’t be here, I’m a terrible driver even in some of the better conditions!

So, I went and visited my Granny at the nursing home she lives in; I’m glad it’s only six miles up the way. I visit her on all my days off, which happens to be four out of the seven days of the week! We sat and ate chocolate and talked for about four hours, her neighbor across the hall even came in to visit with us; a lovely lady.

I enjoy visiting my grandma, she’s the only grandparent I have left and I love her very much. When my sister and I were younger, we spent every summer at their house; and even some weekends too! She taught us how to play tennis, we would go to the pool, the park, the library! They’d take us to plays and musicals and to the ballet at the Palace Theater. Sadly her husband, my grandpa died right before Christmas this last year, and she is in stage 5 almost stage 6 of Alzheimer’s disease.

It’s…hard for me to deal with knowing that one day, she’ll forget me. My grandmother on my dad’s side, also had Alzheimer’s disease…and passed away not knowing me. I was always very close with all of my grandparents. I was very lucky.

Anyways, after spending several hours with my granny, I went and did my usual weekend chores; you know, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I came home this evening and promptly put on my OnePiece and started inhaling chocolates. I’m currently on my second box. Judge me. They have declared a level 2 snow emergency for tonight AND IT HASN’T. STOPPED. SNOWING. ALL. DAY.

It’s around 11:30pm right now and I’m just watching the snow blow all around outside my window here.

I want to share a poem with all of you guys that I wrote when I was in high school for a project. It’s not very…valentine-esque but hey…not everything has to coordinate.

It’s called Colored Glass.

I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind,
you’re standing there,
holding a green bottle above your head.

I’m not even sure why I always see this image of you,
I can’t even remember what the circumstance was.
It’s just there; like a still photo.

I can’t get over that,
when I remember what happened,
when I remember how you left,
everything we had said,
set in stone,
on the tip of your tongue.

We had it all,
you and I;
headed straight to the top,
but we never reached the summit.

You told me once about how,
when you were small,
you were followed by those ghosts,
those demons were closing in on you.

Just like you, I was fighting for my own freedom. But you just wouldn’t let me go.

I don’t even know where to begin, I hadn’t even known you for very long, until you crashed into my universe and created this black hole of empty;

claiming you would save me from the darkness that was clawing around the edges of my eyes.

But we ended up sharing a silence,
and it swallowed me up and spat me out all alone.

Maybe I should have known better,
you did warn me after all.

I’m afraid you taught me some good lessons.

I don’t believe in anything anymore,
I’m not dependant on the people around me anymore though, so that’s good I guess.

But don’t forget to remember my name,
because oh baby,
I’m going to come back to haunt you.

Keep your eyes open.

Well, I hope you pups liked that! I love you guys so much! I hope today was a good Valentine’s day for all of you guys! If you had a night out with your significant other, or a night in by yourself; I just hope it was lovely, because you deserve to be happy!

Alright, well I’m off to inhale the rest of this chocolate! Stay warm out there pups! Good night! xxx

It’s less of an addiction and more of a cure.

you remind me of my first cup of morning coffee.

always warming me from the inside out,
smooth like silk when you run your fingers across my skin.

there’s a richness to the tone of your voice when you’re still half asleep,
to this day, i have never heard a sound so sweet.

i have always craved that from you.
i drink you in like you were the only thing keeping me awake.

i smile knowing you are on the other side of the bed,
just a few inches away.

i feel you retreat from the warmth of our covers,
the springs creak your name,
begging your return.

but you don’t listen,
you can’t hear my bones and how they ache for your embrace again.

we spent last night in shadow,
silence crawling all around our heads,
i feel you pressing bruises into my skin;
a reminder you wanted to be there.
each morning, when the sun peeks over the trees;
i watch the golden light seep across your shoulders,
caressing your face just long enough to make you glitter.

what am i supposed to do now?
if i stay here, you will always get up to leave me when mornings break;
but if i leave you,

you’re not going to come after me.

There was never any new sounds.

You know what I remember most?

The silence.

I spent years wrapped up in you, after we met on a calm summer night.

Summer breezes now remind me of your hugs, and I hate that. The late summer night we spent tucked into each other in your jeep was the first time I’ve ever let a lover see me cry. You held me soft, for the first and last time that night. It’s strange to think that it’s been almost four years now, since we met.

Sometimes I think about our last fight. We screamed so loudly at one another, you threw the weight of your passions at me, but it didn’t matter in the long run. We never listened to each other. We were like refracting magnets, always at odds. Eventually, we fell apart. Like an ancient sculpture in a flooded courtyard, the only thing we could do was leave.

We weren’t meant to stand together, I know that now. You always slept on my side of the bed, I could never get used to that. I had only ever dreamed alone, now I lie awake and wonder how I ever did.

The first time someone asked me if I missed you, I didn’t say yes. I hadn’t been lying, I didn’t miss you. I only longed for parts of you, not the whole thing.

Like, your arm. Not both, just one. The one that fit so perfectly under my neck at night. The one that coiled around my shoulder like a snake, holding me in place.

Your love was less like a hug, and more of a vice. When you held me, it felt soft. Your grip was strong, but it felt as if I could shatter if I tried to break loose.

In the end though, I didn’t shatter. I burst into an urgent flame, the heat from my chest sears off parts of you I had wanted to keep.

We loved like a heat wave; warm, but suffocating.

I hadn’t meant for our love to look like this. We turned in on ourselves like crumpled bits of paper.

There hasn’t been one part of me since, that has reallly wanted to turn around. I knew that last day, I had to leave you behind me. The last time I saw you, I knew I had made the right choice. You had turned yourself into a match head, waiting to strike yourself on a rock, just to burst out in flames like you had done when you ignited me the first time.

But I’ve long since snuffed that fire out of my veins. I am not made of fire anymore, just ashes and charred flesh.

I’ve always enjoyed the smell of gasoline in the air, like a scent to remind me to come back home.

Slowly, I had been cleaning my burned soul, cleansing the tarnished walls that still stood.

It’s been years now, since we held one another. Last night though, I thought about you. About how you had been the first person to light the match in my head, and the last one to notice I was on fire.

I used to sleep with a radio on, or a fan. But you always said that sound kept you awake. I had learned to be familiar with the quiet, now whenever I hear music in the dark, I think about you.

How you would have traced your fingers down the bend of my spine, pushing each vertebra back into my body. I had almost forgotten the sound of your voice, until I heard that crackling static from a song we had listened to for a whole summer. I’m unable to hear anything at night now. I committed your silent slumbers to memory, like a page in a memoir.

It’s not fair; we used to love loudly, like a concussion rattling our brains, everything always echoed. We spent days on end without the quiet hum of comfort.

But now, whenever I think about you, all I can remember is the silence.

I’m still lost today.

Every year, my family takes a vacation to the mountains of North Carolina and every time I am there, I actually feel more at home than I do in the place I’ve lived my whole life. Each time I leave, I feel like a piece of me stays behind.

I wrote this last summer while I was there.

these mountains feel like home;
with its soft morning light,
rolling hills within my sight.

no matter where i roam;
they keep me safe
throughout the night.

the wind brings with it a peace,
almost like a baby bird taking it’s first timid flight.
twisting trails and small paths,
hide secrets of the past.

my soul stays here while i travel on.

Intimacy

Intimacy; by definition, a close familiarity or friendship. A closeness.

We used to be closer than pages in an untouched encyclopedia, pressed into one another’s side so much we were a part of one another.

I remember the day we met; that memory sharp and vivid like a photograph at the front of my brain.

It’s been nearly ten years you know? We learned to march in step with one another, readying for the fight we knew would come our way one day.

And she did. She came for you, and we still weren’t prepared. When she hurled herself into your walls, I watched, as you tumbled down. A broken mass of a boy. No less of a man then when she had been a dot on the horizon line. I had heard the sirens calling, so I took shelter; but you, wanted to chase down that storm.

But when she rolled on through, you were left stuck under all the rubble of your love. I was the one who had to dig you out again.

We never really were the same after that. Now, instead of pages stuck together, we are like bookends. Always holding others up and steadying one another, but never touching.

We shared a certain closeness when we met, a quiet assurance. We knew each others minds as if they were our own. You used to be like my home, familiar and safe. Always warm and well lit. Now, I don’t remember the last time we talked.

We used to be the best of friends, people would always assume we were siblings. I had felt at one time, we could have been. I would have fought for you if I had to, but I lost that fight when you left with that weather storm of a woman.

For years afterwards, I watched you try and wash her taste from your tongue. Drowning yourself in whisky. She broke you into a billion pieces, all of them sharp.

Now, I can’t fit you back together.

A Letter To Pluto.

So, happy Monday!

I hope you’re all staying warm and safe out there! It’s a solid sheet of ice outside for me so that’s gonna be fun!

I’m going to try and post a poem at least a few times a week here so people can keep getting a feel for my writing style I guess. Enjoy!

I wrote this one when I found out Pluto got stripped of it’s planetary status.

My dear sweet pluto, you have been shamed. stripped of all your achievements, humiliated amongst your peers. they say, you are too small, inconsequencial and unworthy. the planetary merits you were bestowed, stolen. when i was young, they taught me your name. fed me scriptures of structured words. i learned how, even though you were small, you had an atmosphere all your own. it gave me a vision of unique solidarity. they said you were last in line, the end. but i know, you were merely the final spectacle of a wonderous parade. they frowned upon how brightly you illuminated their telescope lenses. now, all we can do is marval at how even though they tried to erase you away, you never left the skies.

Happy Saturday pups!

I hope you all had a lovely week and are having a great Saturday!

Just wanted to pop on by and update you all, and share a new poem I wrote today! I dedicate this one to my soulmate, Roger.

Dizzy.

Sometimes the world gets really loud,
Things start moving too fast,
And I can’t seem to catch my breath.

There’s a very unsure feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about all the experiences I’m missing out on.

I feel my skin start itching on the inside. I know that I can’t be here forever. I will have to go out and take the world head on someday.

But for now, it’s just us. You and me. And the world gets quiet around me and I can breath in deep. Everything stops spinning for a moment.

Things that go unnoticed..

Alright, it’s almost 2am over here…which means my mind is starting to think strange thoughts.

I wanted to talk about something that’s been on my mind a lot. Senseless censorship. Of literature.

Specifically darker literature and “banned books” that are kept from young, expanding, growing, curious and unbiased minds.

You know the ones…
Steinbeck.
Orwell.
King.
Rice.
Angelou.
Even some Shakespeare, Twain and Poe are kept out of the classroom and even from children in libraries.

It’s all part of this “sensitivity movement” that seems to have become part of everyone’s life. Adults fearing that the next generation, their children, who will inevitably inherit this world, will form opinions of their own that are *GASP* different from theirs!

Afraid they will not think the same way they do! Find things that aren’t exactly “proper” to be more interesting than the “safe” literature that is getting forced down their throats.

The generation that raised my generation crippled us. Severely. And all out of fear. They ripped classic books, great authors and controversial topics from the syllabus. All because they don’t want us talking about it, seeing it, hearing about it or worse…loving it.

But now, we are starting to take our inquisitive, diverse,  horror loving, debate inducing individuality back!

They tried to stuff us into these pre-made, sheltered, and sadly, heavily gendered boxes.

I saw something just now on tumblr, and it got me thinking of a lesson I learned early in life.

  That we must encourage our future generations to love art. music. literature. theatre. to sing. to play an instrument. To question things. Everything. All the time. Stray from the norm, you will be glad you did!

We must encourage them not just to read, but to read banned books. To cherish classic works of literature. To appreciate the beauty of dark literature works. See the necessity of the strangeness of it.

As a child, my mother read to my sister and I, darker books. Some, which we read in a classroom setting nearly ten years later. Others, that had been banned.

Yet, at the time, I didn’t know how big of an impact that would have, not just on me but my younger sister. And both of our world views.

But now, I’m grateful my mom shared her love of dark, classic and controversial
literature with us at such young ages. Because as we grew, and formed ourselves to who we are today, the both of us were given a gift.

We both kindled a spark of rebellion for different things. A passion for separate arts. But art nonetheless.

We have our own voices, and generally go against the grain. We see the “whitewashing” that is going on in the world and especially the media. We know there are people who want to mute our metaphorical megaphones, and water down our bright colors. We can see the issues of our generation getting swept under the rug. We know they’re trying to subdue us.

Yet, here we are. Still standing. Always fighting to change things.

We are mere specks of dust, but one day we will gather up other specks of dust and create dust storms.

My little sister, she hungers to right the wrongs she sees in the world, and thrives on the light she draws from the pieces of humanity she fits back together, until there comes a day she no longer sees these things. She’s compassionate in a very soft way, but she lives to stand up, fight and shout until someone listens; and she has righted all the injustices she encounters. Her weapon of choice is a camera lens. She will travel to the ends of the earth and changing how we see things.

I, however, thirst to tell the stories I have heard from invisible and broken souls, until they no longer fear the shadows they see at night. And I will do this quietly, with a pen upon paper. I shall write for all of those who got swept under rugs and pushed to the back of the line. And I won’t stop until we are all recognized for being who we are.

This unconventional world view we both share today, instilled in us both deep roots for change. A harrowing force of ferocity, a streak of adventure, a drop of wanderlust and the relentless need for extraordinary things. I accredit my natural talent for writing, my sister’s natural talent for drawing, to our father. But our unyielding love for dark literature and the need to stand up and shake things up? That came from our mother.

They never censored our musical choices, or sugar coated story endings. They let us read any and all books we wanted, they never restricted our library cards. And for those things, I can never thank them enough. They ensured that our thirst for knowledge was quenched, and our hunger for adventure, was fed.

Which is why it bothers me as much as it does that there are so many people out there raising children in a sheltered world where everything is bubblegum and rainbows.
They’re taking away things which may be slightly “uncomfortable” to read because they’re scared.

They are waging a war against our future and it’s time we fought back.