You haven’t been here in so long.

Time is moving at a snails pace yet the year is almost over again.

Starting this year with goodbye was not the promised fresh start I needed.

Feeling so empty without you was a feeling I could never imagine.

Your warmth, your love- the way I need it more than ever.

Always warming me from the inside out,
smooth like silk when you run your fingers across my skin.

There’s a richness to the tone of your voice when you’re still half asleep,
to this day, I have never heard a sound so sweet.

I have always craved that from you.
I drink you in like you were the only thing keeping me awake.

I smile knowing you are on the other side of the bed,
just a few inches away.

I feel you retreat from the warmth of our covers,
the springs creak your name,
begging your return.

But you don’t listen,
you can’t hear my bones and how they ache for your embrace again.

We spent last night in shadow,
silence crawling all around our heads,
I feel you pressing bruises into my skin;
a reminder you wanted to be there.

Each morning, when the sun peeks over the trees;
I watch the golden light seep across your shoulders,
caressing your face just long enough to make you glitter.

What am I supposed to do now?
If I stay here, you will always get up to leave me when mornings become too real;
but if I leave you,

you’re not going to come after me.

You never liked coffee,
even if I brought it to you in bed.

The first time someone asked me if I missed you, I didn’t say yes. I hadn’t been lying, I didn’t miss you. I only longed for parts of you, not the whole thing.

Like, your arm. Not both, just one. The one that fit so perfectly under my neck at night. The one that coiled around my shoulder like a snake, holding me in place.

Your love was less like a hug, and more of a vice. When you held me, it felt soft. Your grip was strong, but it felt as if I could shatter if I tried to break loose.

In the end though, I didn’t shatter. I burst into an urgent flame, the heat from my chest sears off parts of you I had wanted to keep.

We loved like a heat wave; warm, but suffocating.

I hadn’t meant for our love to look like this. We turned in on ourselves like crumpled bits of paper.

There hasn’t been one part of me since, that has reallly wanted to turn around. I knew that last day, I had to leave you behind me. The last time I saw you, I knew I had made the right choice. You had turned yourself into a match head, waiting to strike yourself on a rock, just to burst out in flames like you had done when you ignited me the first time.

But I’ve long since snuffed that fire out of my veins. I am not made of fire anymore, just ashes and charred flesh.

I’ve always enjoyed the smell of gasoline in the air, like a scent to remind me to come back home.

Slowly, I had been cleaning my burned soul, cleansing the tarnished walls that still stood.

It’s been years now, since we held one another. Last night though, I thought about you. About how you had been the first person to light the match in my head, and the last one to notice I was on fire.

I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind,
you’re standing there,
holding a green bottle above your head.

I’m not even sure why I always see this image of you,
I can’t even remember what the circumstance was.
It’s just there; like a still photo.

I can’t get over that,
when I remember what happened,
when I remember how you left,
everything we had said,
set in stone,
on the tip of your tongue.

We had it all,
you and I;
headed straight to the top,
but we never reached the summit.

You told me once about how,
when you were small,
you were followed by those ghosts,
those demons were closing in on you.

Just like you, I was fighting for my own freedom. But you just wouldn’t let me go.

I don’t even know where to begin, I hadn’t even known you for very long, until you crashed into my universe and created this black hole of empty;

claiming you would save me from the darkness that was clawing around the edges of my eyes.

But we ended up sharing a silence,
and it swallowed me up and spat me out all alone.

Maybe I should have known better,
you did warn me after all.

I’m afraid you taught me some good lessons.

I don’t believe in anything anymore,
I’m not dependant on the people around me anymore though, so that’s good I guess.

But don’t forget to remember my name,
because oh baby,
I’m going to come back to haunt you.

Keep your eyes open.

Those who came before me,
the ones I never knew.

Folks who walked this very path,
tripped upon the same cobblestones and divets,
those were ‘The Good ‘Ol Days Of Glory’,
when nights knew no hum of man made wrath.

I wish I had come before my time,
to meet those whom passed long before.
I’d sit cross legged, paying them mind,
as their feet trapsed across wooden floors.

Those who came before me,
the ones I never knew.

Those sweet and brave,
your memories I have saved,
written in ink, or frozen in photo.

The silence now enraptures you,
with such a sweet caress,
I only long to meet with you.

But I cannot, so I digress.

Those who came before me,
the ones I never knew;
please do not think we have forgotten you.

I carry your blood in my veins,
your legacy, still attached to my name.

Learning to write our names is one of the first things we’re taught in school.
they tell us to always capitalize each first letter, never misspell it, and always dot your i’s and cross your t’s. every time.

But have you ever wondered what they were really asking us to learn?

Capitalize each first letter: make sure everyone knows you’re important. don’t let anyone turn you from a noun, into an object.
spell it correctly: never let someone try to change you into something else. never let your name be transformed into something easier to say. you were given that name for a reason. don’t let anyone take that from you.

Always dot your i’s and cross your t’s: always finish what you started, and do so with finesse and purpose.

Make it clear to read: never allow someone to make you feel invisible.

The air whistling through these mountains feel like home;
with its soft morning light,
rolling hills within my sight.

No matter where I roam;
they keep me safe
throughout the night.

The wind brings with it a peace,
almost like a baby bird taking it’s first timid flight.
twisting trails and small paths,
hide secrets of the past.

My soul stays here while i travel on.

The instant I laid eyes on you, I could already feel myself falling in love. We spent so long laughing and talking on our first date that our waitress was kind of mad at us.

And we spent equally as much time outside, leaning up against the hood of my car after we left. I had no idea how hard I would fall for you.

I’ve always fallen in love quickly, didn’t really matter who with. But being loved the way you loved me had never happened before. The way you held me was all I had ever wanted, and it worried me how willing I was to overlook certain things. How fast I opened up to you. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy that everyone in my life noticed and commented on it and when they started doing it, I actually got really scared because I knew it was going to hurt when you left, I was right.

I can only remember one other instance of me feeling this type of pain over losing another person. It nearly killed me then and I feel it slowly killing me now. What’s worse is that I cannot find you, I cannot reach you. You’ve disappeared, but I wanted to tell you this so instead of just trying to find you and telling just you, I am going to tell the world. I want the whole world to know how easily I fell in love with you, how wonderful you are, your soft hands, the spicy smell of your cologne, your bubbling laugh, even those ridiculous nose strips you wore to bed.

I would have loved you for a long time had to let me. I keep hoping you will come back, or maybe I will run into you somewhere and be able to tell you how badly I miss you.

July was the worst month of the year, everyone knew it too.

I met you in the heat of summer. Sweat pooled on our skin, as we listened to the AC unit buzz. Our hands touching each others bodies like we were made of electricity. I fell in love with you the moment I heard you say my name for the first time. You filled my soul with a passion it had never once felt. Maybe I was just lonely, and you were bored. Both of us needing something from each other, but only one of us came away fulfilled. I am still hungry, starving for something I cannot have. I watch her devour the very thing I long for.

It’s been 10 years since we met. And I remember the moment like it was yesterday. You wore a dark grey shirt, blue sweatpants. Me in a sundress. A mismatched pair we made…but we were happy. Two stars falling out of the night sky. I think of you often. I wonder what it would have been like to stay with you. If I had never told you I wanted freedom. Would we have drifted further apart or would we have found ourselves building a home together. I find myself hoping you are unhappy without me, but also never wanting you to be unhappy ever. It’s such a shameful thing to be selfish, yet when it comes to you all I want is to be selfish and keep you all to myself. Once, I told you I loved you and you said that I didn’t know how to love. You were right, even though I hate to admit it. But with you I always wanted to try. Knowing that you are loved, should be a comfort to you, but knowing I am unloved by you only fills me with sadness. I did everything you asked, anything you wanted. And yet you still chose, her.

Sometimes I just want to ramble without worrying about sentence structure, or a specific topic… I feel like right now I’m emotionally drowning. There is something going on in my brain that just won’t quit screaming at me. Maybe it’s the stress of work, or the turmoil of the overturning of Roe V Wade, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of crying, and baking…and acting differently. I don’t know, something just feels wrong. I’m scared for the future, my future. I feel like in the last ten years I’ve gotten nowhere. I thought by the time I was in my thirties I would have things all figured out, hell at least have a savings account.. I’ve heard a lot of talk on TikTok about this multiverse, people make wishes for themselves in alternate dimensions… If the multiverse were real, I would hope there is a version of me who grew up not feeling like a burden, a version of me who was able to make friends and keep them, a version of me who didn’t hate herself so much, who didn’t drive recklessly in the hopes of becoming a piece of mangled flesh. I wish there was a version of me who was smart, and kind, who wasn’t always selfish. I wish there was a version of me who was quieter, gentler, better. The way my life has turned out has honestly been a train wreck, which is funny because I used to think my life in my early twenties was an absolute nightmare. I had no idea back then how good I had it. There is something to be said about wanting things you don’t have, or could never have.. but becoming someone who you never wanted to be is a seriously fucked up kind of torture. I used to want to be so much more than what I am…and trying to become that has not just been hard, it’s been impossible. I’ve never felt at home in my own brain.