poems

Senses.

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Happy Sunday pups. Here’s a poem I just finished. For, Άλφα..thank you for having patience with me.

Sensory deprivation is a horrid form of torture, and I brought it upon myself. But you, you’re slowly giving me my wolf like senses back, baby. In the quiet moments before each sunset, I can hear the soft, steady beat of your heart. I’d like to think I could hear your voice in my dreams last night, slowly drifting through my brain.

I told you once of the damage my body suffered while in my adolescent lifetime, and you ran your hand along the lines I wear upon my back; the ones that silence clawed into my flesh. And I swear, in that moment I felt every bend in my spine, every knot loosened, instantly.

I had such dulled senses when it comes to touch… I would have never thought you could draw such a reaction out of my skin, yet there you were. So gentle, and patient, that even I had mistaken your breath for an autumn breeze.

Viva la Pluto.

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Happy Tuesday pups! In light of the Pluto flyby, which gave us beautiful pictures of my favourite planet!..  I’m re-releasing my ode to Pluto.

http://www.theverge.com/2015/7/14/8958079/nasa-new-horizons-pluto-color-image

image

I wrote this one when I found out Pluto got stripped of it’s planetary status.

Remember, just because you’re a dwarf planet, doesn’t mean you can’t make a big impact.

My dear sweet Pluto, you have been shamed. stripped of all your achievements, humiliated amongst your peers. they say, you are too small, inconsequential and unworthy. the planetary merits you were bestowed, stolen. when i was young, they taught me your name. fed me scriptures of structured words. i learned how, even though you were small, you had an atmosphere all your own. it gave me a vision of unique solidarity. they said you were last in line, the end. but i know, you were merely the final spectacle of a wondrous parade. they frowned upon how brightly you illuminated their telescope lenses. now, all we can do is marvel at how even though they tried to erase you away, you never left the skies.

The Wolf.

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So, happy Monday pups! I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written anything… Just been crazy busy.
But, few things, I am just getting over walking pneumonia..I’ve had it over a month… Which isn’t gone yet so I will need to go back to the doctor..despite how much I don’t want to.

Also, uhm I’ve got an interview coming up in a week or so..and ohhhh man I am NERVOUS!!

But yeah..we’re working four days a week again..and someone on first shift got a better job in New York, so he moved there..so he would be able to better support and raise his family..and I’m so happy for him!! So we’ve been busy getting a temp in.

My grandma is doing well.. She’s happy..which is great. Went to see her this weekend..she is still convinced I’m my mum.. But at least she knows me and still likes me..so I’ll take it!

Uhm, my uncle’s murder trial sentencing was a few weeks ago as well..that girl got the max of 11 years in prison.. So there’s some semblance of justice.  I would have liked to see her get life in prison but.. You win some…You lose some.

My cousin’s birthday was yesterday..she had a party…and it was fun. My sister is at a music festival right now.. Or..just came home from one..idk.

I’m doing a little proofreading, some editing and some fun writing things at the moment!

I have a blurb/poem to share with y’all. I wrote this a few years ago when I was working through some self hate issues. Everybody goes through things they’re not keen to talk about with everyone, but I’m a firm believer that if your story/struggle can inspire and help someone…you should share that and try to make the world a brighter place. So, I’m sorry for the weird format of it..but yeah…HAPPY MONDAY, PUPS.. And remember..I love you! xxx

As she stared into the eyes of the vicious beast, which now stood before her, a familiar glint of color crossed into it’s eyes. the dark beast barred it’s sharp teeth, and hissed in an all too soft, sweet voice, laced in malice; ‘i told you never come this way. go back little girl, i warned. but on you pressed. now look…all that surrounds you is darkness. nothing can protect you from me now. i own you.’ the sweet voice snarled. the little girl, trembling, and frightened, turned to run. but something held her to the spot. she shut her eyes, now burning with bitter tears, and thrashed about wildly. until suddenly, the little girl threw her eyes wide open. but the beast had vanished. in it’s place was her own image. taller, darker, older…and sadder. she looked around her. there was red everywhere. blood. she looked again at the image in front of her. the hands. her hands, she gasped, were covered in cuts… glass, and blood everywhere. she hadn’t been fighting a beast…she had fought herself. and now….she saw she lost. that little girl….never made it out of the fight alive.

Let’s go hunting together tonight.

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There’s an alpha hidden underneath those hunched shoulders,
something carnal lurking in your mind. You told me so, cautiously. But oh, how I want to see it. To feel the beast inside you, claw it’s way to the surface of your skin, just to take over your vision. Bring that monster out of you, and I will try to soothe his aches.
That polychrome glint off your eyes in the moonlight,
shows me just how clearly you see me in the dark.

I have always hidden away with my lycanthropy,
too terrified of this curse within myself to venture out into the night. Being a monster was not my greatest feature.
That was,
until you drew this beast out of me.
So soft your voice was,
when you told me of the same fear you held inside your own heart.

Last night,
I stared up at the moon,
threw my head back and howled at the top of my lungs,
hoping you were somewhere on the other side of the world,
far across the vast ocean that separates us, standing out in the darkness too.
with your eyes pointed skyward,
and your head tipped back,
howling the same,
beautiful song that is packed beneath my bones.

I have never looked for an alpha,
especially not one so far away,
but you found me. Said, we’re similar and the same. I know, we strangely fit together in a way I’m not sure I’ve known about except in old war stories.
And so maybe we’re part of the same origins, we have the same stardust coursing inside of us. The same fight, we know each other struggles, but I won’t let you give up, and you won’t let me give out.

I find comfort in your quiet authority,
the power you hold over me.
It’s not a dominating force,
just a gentle guiding hand that I can almost feel on the small of my back.

I wonder if your teeth are as sharp as I make sure mine are.
My soul wonders if you would ever tear into my flesh,
just to see if I tasted sweet. Maybe you would, maybe I’d try and taste you back. Grab a piece of you to hold in my mouth.

Part of me wants to see how far I can go,
to try and reach that prime evil center,
the one you’ve hidden away inside your chest.
I bet it’s a beautiful beast you’re hiding. So strong and unstoppable.

The weight of your secret is collapsing your chest,
even the steel strength of your resolve will crack one day.

I tell you, that you have a quiet beauty behind your eyes,
threaded fondness into the softness of your voice.

I want you to know that yes,
you are quite the alpha, and whilst I’m not looking for a mate, maybe I’m looking for a partner, an equal force in this vast, messed up world. Maybe we’re not together in any way but, I would submit my will to follow your direction if you felt you should give it. Not because that’s what I feel I should do, but because I feel I can trust you, I can feel the honesty all the way from here.
I enjoy the feeling of knowing I can give myself over to someone else who would take complete control of everything,
and I would still always be safe within that moment with them.

That is what an alpha is for,
safety and protection.
I trust you with this burden within me.

I want to follow your lead,
I want to seek guidance from you for these scars I wear. Because I know you have scars of your own, and maybe you’d know just what to do.

You never once flinched away at the horrors I presented you with,
all the tangled up lines of trauma,
I threaded into my silences.

It’s strange to think of you as someone I am close with,
even though I’ve not known you very long at all.

I was able to share my secret with you,
and not only did you understand,
but you told me that was the thing you were enthralled by.
My secret,
that monster living in my chest,
you said you have the same one,
that’s living inside of you.
They both are waiting to claw their way out of our souls,
ready to tear us to pieces.

But I know you’re prepared for a fight,
maybe if I spend enough time with you,
I’ll be ready someday too.

I told you that I would never let you feel unsafe, even though it’s not my job to protect you,
I want to make it clear that I would lay down my life to protect you from the monster that you fear may come for you.

If you ever had to run from it again,
I would give you a safe place to rest.

Right here,
in my arms I would hold you, because even though you’re the alpha,
all I want to do,
is take care of you.

That’s how we found each other. The universe placed us in the same darkness. I can keep your soul warm, if you keep me safe.

It is terribly sad that you are so far, for I wish to one day know what it is like to curl around you in the dark. Would you let me sleep next to you, if I promised to keep you warm through the winter?

The light from within the darkness.

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You laugh, like a summer breeze. Short, quiet bursts of refreshment in an otherwise still air space.

You’ve got the kind of mind I want to climb inside. I want to learn where the dips and cracks of memories become the dreamlike worlds you’ve spoken about.

I’m curious to know if being reckless was something you hoped for, or if you wanted someone to fashion themselves into a safety net beneath you. Neither seems right, at least not yet.

I imagine your hands are practiced with a pen and your mouth steady with the stillness placed on it.

You say silly things, like you don’t like wearing jeans. And I’ve never yet met someone who doesn’t like coffee, but has the same moonlight running in their blood.

Comfort is a strange thing. I found myself paying close attention to the way your mouth formed around a word today. And the careful upward curve of your smile, how strange a thing it is to be comforted by a stranger’s ability to cease becoming a stranger.

I felt connected with you, we share similar lifelines. There are places and moments we can both relate to, in much the same way.

Sleep never comes easy for me, it doesn’t come easy I’ve learned for you either. Maybe that’s because of the moonlight we carry with us. The moon never sleeps, even in the middle of the day. She’s still up, you just can’t see her.

We’re intermittently silent, but it’s never uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel dangerous.

There are things I have yet to learn of you, places I have yet to tell you about.

But us werewolves, we’re immortal baby. We’ve got all the time in the world.

So laugh for me again. That’s right, laugh. With me, for me, at me; it doesn’t matter. Just laugh, because when you do, my gosh you look so beautiful.

I must go.

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Good Saturday evening pups! Hope y’all are doing well! Just a small update, the last 24 hours have been very stressful and eventful here in the dog house! I went to bed fairly early for a weekend, but I’ve been working four 12 hour shifts recently. Granted, it is overtime, but it just wears me out!

Manufacturing can sometimes wear on the bones!

Anyways, last night at about 1 in the morning my mum woke me up. She was having chest pains, thought she was having a heart attack. So, I had to call the squad(EMS). While I was on the phone, she collapsed and was having trouble breathing. I’m glad we’re only two minutes away from an EMS out post. Once they got here, they got her down stairs and sat her in a chair. They did a field EKG, she wasn’t having a heart attack. But, she was doubled over in pain, turning a grey color and felt faint. She kept refusing the ride to the hospital, and started to feel better. When they were just about to have us sign the release form, she doubled over again. SO, I told her I’d feel better if she went in the ambulance. She spent the night in the hospital, they did a stress test and a chest x-ray. Results were inconclusive, but they are pretty sure it was just an esophageal spasm. She came home this afternoon, and she’s going to be alright.

I told my little sister what was going on, and after work she came home. (She lives two hours away.) Right now, she’s sitting on the couch next to me, doing homework! Feels like we’re kids again…I miss her now that she’s away.

Anyways, the poem! I wrote this quite some time ago. Over 10 years ago to be precise! I want to share it because I’ve been missing this place so much. I haven’t been to Sanibel Island in a few years, it’s been my families vacation destination since my grandparents were new parents! Crazy!

This year for my birthday, I am hoping to take a trip down there….and I am very excited!

Hope you enjoy!

I must go visit Florida again, 
to the sea, 
And the shoreline; 
all I ask is for a week to explore it. 
The seas salty spray, 
the waves loudly crashing, 
and the gulls 
calling.

I long to hear the winds whistle across the beach.

I must go visit Florida again, 
for the feel of the warm sun. 
It's shine is beckoning to me, 
it's call will not yield. 
All I ask is for a warm day, 
to watch the waves rolling in,
washing the footprints from the sand.

I must go visit Florida again, 
to run across the snow white sands.
Walk on the sand dunes,
underneath a southern moon. 


A vacation home on the shoreline,
a quiet place to relax without a care.

Yes, I must go visit Florida again, 
Someday, I will take you there.

If I tell him, he’ll never see anything but the scars…

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So, hey pups. Happy Sunday fun day! My mum and I went to see my granny this afternoon. She had a good day. She had a good day yesterday as well. My little sister was home for a few days as well, so she and I went to see our granny yesterday…we sat outside on the patio. My sister had her first day of her new job at a National Park today! Apparently it was great, and stressful? I don’t know…anyways..I have a poem to share with you today, I wrote it this morning…I….I wanted to write it for someone whom, I feel I owe an explanation to…and I hope they understand why the untouchable places that I have…exist.

Soft hands, aren’t as easily accessible as I wish they were; sometimes trusting people, can almost get you killed.

I remember the night those hands touched me for the first time, your fingers wrapped around the back of my neck, your arm pressing harshly into my chest. I couldn’t breath, I was unable to move, you forced your way into my world. I wasn’t even scared of you, we were friends. I trusted you, I thought you cared about me.

The air was warm that night, despite it being mid December. When you were done, and you released my throat, I took such a panicked gasp of air, you slapped me. Your knuckles collided with my cheekbone so hard, I heard a small crack. My legs couldn’t hold me upright any longer, they collapsed underneath me. You hauled me up by my forearm and threw me back into the passenger’s seat.

For years, I tried to cut your image out of my nightmares. Your poison still runs in my veins, I fear I’ll never be rid of it. There is not one person who knows the whole truth about all the unadulterated evil you placed inside of me, and I hope one day, I will be able to cleanse these wounds of your name.

Sometimes, late at night, I hear a scratching underneath my bed. I know monsters exist, but you made me one of them, and I am not afraid of you any longer. Now, what terrifies me, is one day, a good man will unzip my soul, and find these pieces; this mess I still carry around inside of me, and he will think me unclean. I have never let a good man love me, because good men, should not have to clean up after monsters.

There’s a beach somewhere, I’d love to visit.

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I cried,
and he held me.
I told you I felt safe,
wrapped inside your voice box,
and you pushed me away.

We’re too alike,
you and I.
We are made of the same thunder and lightening storms.

The sea swells inside your rib cage,
they want to drown me.
And for once in my life,
I would welcome the chance.
An opportunity to swim in unexplored waters, just the sort of danger I could get hooked on.

But his warmth,
I was not expecting.
His palpable charm,
I wanted to feel it in my lungs.
Drink him in, slowly, like whiskey.
But smooth, like fine silk.

You said, too much.
He said, not enough.
He wants more. You want none.

To be held the way I imagine you would hold me, is everything the girl I used to be, dreamed for.

But to be spoken to the way we speaks to me, is everything the woman I am now, asked for.

I’m unsure if I have something to hold onto; but maybe I’m willing to wait on the beach, safe from your monstrous waves, to see if he comes to me.

Θα είμαι εδώ για να σας καλωσορίσω στο σπίτι.

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The ancient Greeks had several gods that they worshipped and prayed to. Each one, for a different reason. Warriors would sit for hours prior to long battles in temples and pray. Pray for their safety, pray for good fortune, and pray for a favorable outcome.

Both Ares and Athena were closely related to war. Ares was known for his thirst for battle. Athena, on the other hand, reverted to war only for the purposes of justice, and she preferred peaceful settlements when possible. 

The god of war, Ares; not only was he the god of war, he was the god of violence and vengeance. He wanted all warriors hands to be stained with blood. War, violence and bloodshed. The holy trinity of heroes.

His half sister, Athena, was not only the goddess of war, but of wisdom. She did not believe in violence, bloodshed or warfare, but in the causes for which wars were fought. She wanted peace and intelligence to coat the warriors hands, not blood.

Each one was worshipped for different reasons by the warriors. One to keep them safe, another to ensure they were victorious.

Those warriors, who would leave their homes and loved ones behind for months, sometimes years, to fight wars.

Oftentimes, when they came home, they were no longer the same men who left; rather they were hard, scarred, they smelt of dirt, blood and charred flesh.

But their wives, welcomed them with open arms and full hearts. just grateful they came back home.

Just because someone travels far and wide, faces demons, gladiators and death, dealing in blood over and over again, does not mean they are not still humans; with beating hearts and passionate souls.

They fought for their country, their families, their gods and their kings. And upon each return, they were given a heroes welcome.

So go ahead, do what you must; whether it is march off to a far away land to fight gladiators, or just take a midnight walk around the grounds; either way I’ll still be here waiting, to welcome you back home.

Hollywood hung up on you.

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There are afternoons,
I imagine you coming back for me.
Days where I sit by the front door,
hoping to hear your footsteps coming up the walkway.
But they never do.
You never do.
You haven’t been back here in years,
not that things have changed.
Nothing ever changes here.
I wonder if you ever did come back,
if you would look for me.
I’m not the little girl you left behind anymore though.
Some days I look at my reflection in the mirror,
and barely recognize my own face.
If I’m unsure of my own identity,
how can someone else claim they know me? One thing that always stuck with me,
even now ten years down the line;
was that you told me the world was waiting. I had believed you then,
A silly child,
dreaming of happy endings and fairy tales.
Now I know,
you weren’t trying to inspire me, you were running away.
The world doesn’t wait,
it never has.
This world will spin you around until you feel sick.
If you came back here now, you’d have to pry the front gates open, they’re not locked, just unused.
I want to tell you that now I know,
The world may not wait for anybody, but it will let you along for the ride.
You’ll get through this,
but you won’t come out alive.