love

There’s a beach somewhere, I’d love to visit.

Wolfette, , , , , , 1 Comment

I cried,
and he held me.
I told you I felt safe,
wrapped inside your voice box,
and you pushed me away.

We’re too alike,
you and I.
We are made of the same thunder and lightening storms.

The sea swells inside your rib cage,
they want to drown me.
And for once in my life,
I would welcome the chance.
An opportunity to swim in unexplored waters, just the sort of danger I could get hooked on.

But his warmth,
I was not expecting.
His palpable charm,
I wanted to feel it in my lungs.
Drink him in, slowly, like whiskey.
But smooth, like fine silk.

You said, too much.
He said, not enough.
He wants more. You want none.

To be held the way I imagine you would hold me, is everything the girl I used to be, dreamed for.

But to be spoken to the way we speaks to me, is everything the woman I am now, asked for.

I’m unsure if I have something to hold onto; but maybe I’m willing to wait on the beach, safe from your monstrous waves, to see if he comes to me.

International Poetry Day.

Wolfette, , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Alright, hello pups! Happy Saturday! I hope y’all are having a good weekend, I am! It is International Poetry Day, so I feel like I should share with you a few bits and pieces I have written. Maybe.

First of all though, I’d just like to say a few things. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I’ve been writing poetry for more than 10 years now. I have never really done a lot of it like I am currently doing. It was usually just an outlet for when I was a little too stressed out with school. Eventually though, I would spend more time writing my poetry rather than doing any school work or homework. Which, ultimately caused me to barely graduate high school.

Once I was out of high school, I became very busy with “the real world”, you know getting a license, getting a job, taking care of my family, enrolling in classes at the local community college.

Little background here I guess, while I was in high school, I did not have a license….I was…sort of afraid to drive. Not entirely sure why, but I was just not into it. I took driver’s ed, but I just didn’t finish my in-car’s so by the time I got my license I was over 18 and we had just wasted a shit ton of money and time. Needless to say, I still absolutely suck at driving. Hence why I think I’m missing a wheel barring, again.

Now, since my GPA was not the highest, I was not exactly a candidate for a university unless I went to a Community College and got general education classes out of the way first. However, I didn’t really feel the pull to go to a four year university in the first place. I waited almost a year before enrolling in my first and only college course that I ever took. Math…a math class that was almost 4 levels higher than I ever took in high school. Now, you can probably figure out how I ended up in that class, I guessed on the entrance exam. I spectacularly failed that course and have never gone back. Nor truly wanted to go back.

After I finished that course, I landed a retail job at a hardware chain…not gonna name any names..but I despise the color orange now.

I lost that job, a little under a year later. My life had taken a very odd turn then. I was spending absolutely no time at home. I was out all night, all weekend and sometimes gone for several weekdays at a time. I, don’t want to discuss what I was doing. That was a different life and I would prefer it stayed in the past.

Anyways, so because life kept getting in my way, writing became not just secondary, but irrelevant. I was having way too many problems to get the time to sit down and write honest, passionate words. Which caused me to put it aside and try to focus my attention elsewhere.

Fast forward to now, I had been quite unhappy for some time. I was hiding my emotions from everyone around me, and not using any creative outlets. I would bottle things up until ultimately I would implode with emotions and take out my frustrations on myself.

But, I’m going to say around this time last year, I had started down a path of “self discovery” deciding to say yes to things I wanted to do, go places I wanted to go, and do constructive things for theraputic reasons rather than destructive things for dangerous reasons.

And I’ve learned a lot about myself, what makes me happy, what makes me upset, what makes me a lot more anxious. It had been a rough year, but after the new year, things…weirdly have gotten a lot less chaotic and easier on me. Which has been very good for my health. I had started getting very ill the past few years, and the past two, I had packed on some stress weight. Now, it’s starting to come back off and I’m starting to feel immensely better. Of course it’s a slow process, but I’m getting back on my feet.
Okay, I’m gonna quit rambling. Y’all aren’t here to hear me bitch about my pathetic life.

This poem, is one that I want to dedicate to my wonderful wolf pack, that is steadily growing day by day.

So, to my pups, whom I love very much and have taken me into their lives and into their hearts; I’m so lucky I’ve found each and every one of you. You’re all amazing for different, crazy reasons and I cannot thank you all enough for how much you have helped me become who I am.

So, Brit, Alex, Claire, Kayla, Kendra, Liz, Megan, Sammie, Sammi, Alexis, Alexa, Allie, Rainbow, Vanessa, Ashley, Ash, Ana, Ashton, Bernadette, Frankie, Jeanna, Lyndzi, Meagan, Sarah, Jeff, Austin, Jake, Josh, Janos, Brad, Joe, Clive, Keith, Boey, David, Drew, Laia, MCP, Vincent, David, Moses, Cierra, Kyle, Maria and Landon.

I love you pups, I hope you’re all staying warm and safe wherever you are in the world today! This is for you!

Everyone would always say to me,
I’d find my place in the world one day.
There would be somewhere I would fit in,
Some place I could truly be me.

There is a spot for each of us,
most of humanity has a community.
Some are small, others are large.
But each one, is filled with love.
Love of all kinds.

My dear friends, I have hoped for years to find such a spot for myself.
Never did I imagine finding one amongst such beautiful creatures though.

I have spent years wrapped in the confines of those who kept hold of me for their own enjoyment,
or for some sick fulfillment.
I was a doll passed around to those who would grab for me.
Played with, then left on the floor when something else came along.
I would never have known humans had such a capacity for love,
not until you all came along.
I was so used to being left,
so sure I would always be alone,
that when you showed up,
I started counting the days until your departure.

Now, I’m starting to know better,
people are as good inside as I had always hoped for.

I was a scared little girl,
one who never made an impact on those she came across.
Kept my voice tucked inside my throat,
never wanting to make anyone uncomfortable.
Pretending that if something were to happen, it wouldn’t change the course of anyone’s history.

When everything had calmed, I cried. Cried for my heart, cried for that little girl I used to be, cried for the ghost she had become. I just cried.

Tears that I spilled however, were not water. Instead, I would collect them on paper, and watch them run all my passionate words from the pages. Convinced nobody needed to hear about them, no one wanted to see them. Pain like this was supposed to be shameful, my scars, they were so ugly, I was sure no one else had any like them.
But one by one, each of you, have shown me secret parts of yourselves, places with scars and battle wounds, that look so much like mine.

You’re all so beautiful, and I wonder if I see you that way, maybe I’m not much different.

It’s a strange thought, to be happy among such an odd collection of souls.

But I am, each of you brings a different color of light to my previously darkened world. I want to give each of you a piece of me, even though I know it won’t ever be enough. I never have been enough for most people. There are some people who think I am too much, too messy. I would feel like a ball of yarn sitting in the bottom of a sewing basket, tangled, frayed and forgotten.

I am a small pile of sand somedays. All my sharp, glass egdes, warn away by years of such emotions rubbing against one another. Other days, I feel like a wet blanket, or a wilted flower in a jar. Not very much at all. I have nothing really spectacular to discover, or say, but sometimes I feel these big dust storms welling inside my chest. For years, I would just let those storms tear me inside out, now I feel as if I have an anchor. Something concrete really holding me here.
I had let people make meals of me, and let men make toys of me for so long, I can’t remember how to truly exist without that part of myself. I’m trying now though, I want to fashion my life into one I want to have. I want to live a life I can be proud to have. And you are helping me do that. Thank you.
Maybe some of you are new to this world I live in, some of you have been here a while. Even a few of you have made it from my old life, to my new one. If you stay, which I hope you all do, I want you to know there are pieces of me I will carve out of pieces of you. Not to copy who you are, just to mend the hole I had made within me.

If you choose to leave, just know, I would not have been the same if I had not met you. You helped me make my life finally worth living.

Alright, well that was a lot longer than I was expecting it, but I guess my heart had a lot to say. I love you pups. So much. Stay warm! xxx

It’s the middle of the day.

Wolfette, , , , , , , Leave a comment

Good morning.
Good morning.

With all this suffocating darkness,
I would have thought it midnight;
I would have, if not for the small, faint, chirping of the early day bird songs,
that are seeping through the leaking windowpanes of my bedroom.

In the air, hangs the dormant smell of last night’s whiskey, worn leather, and fresh coffee grounds.

There’s something wicked lurking through my house today, filling in the corners and climbing up the walls.

I can hear it like radio static, scraping the insides of my skull.
Almost like nails down a blackboard, it leaves my brain clutching to the darkness.

I want to crawl back under those blankets and forget what I must do, but responsibility is screaming for me to move.

I still can’t see anything, there is a gray light touching the edges of my peripheral vision now.

I’ve never been good at gray scale, my everything is always so black and white.

Always one or the other but never both, not until last night.

Last night when I tried to fold myself like a napkin in your lap, after years of laying wrinkled.

I remember the night i met you.We danced, delicately. You held me like a wine glass, with slow, practiced hands.

Now, years later, all that is left of us are dirty clothes piled on the floor, shattered glass ware and your almost full ashtray.

You stormed out and haven’t come back once. But I’m still waiting here, under these covers, hoping that chirping I hear, will morph into slow, practiced footsteps coming back to me.

The smell of coffee, old worn out leather and stale whiskey, coats my lungs. Just like a dormant, wicked, shadow, waiting to climb into the corners of me; the ones you, left empty.

Good morning.
No, good night.

Long distance friendships.

Wolfette, , , Leave a comment

Alright! It happens to be 3:30 in the morning! And I’m at work.

Yay!

But, I just wanted to write a little blurb about friends!

Throughout my life, I have had a hard time making and keeping friends, mostly due to my social anxiety.

I’m not too great at small talk, or even talking on the phone, face to face interaction scares the living crap out of me!

So, the friends I made, I didn’t make a whole lot of them. And most of them…I don’t see or talk to any longer. I only have a small handful of friends I see from my hometown nowadays. I live in a small town so, most either moved away or…we just grew apart.

But today most of my friends I met online.

And they are like a network of love, from all across the globe!

I’m so lucky they’re all in my life! Some, I met through our mutual love of a world music group called Celtic Thunder! Others, through One Direction. Most recently, I’ve met amazing people through the CreepyPasta fandom and I’m so lucky to have found some of those people!

I just wanted to write this little blog to say thanks to all my friends who love me and support me and look after me.

I don’t get to see you often, or talk to you everyday; but I know without a doubt, I can count on your support in anything I do. And if I fall, you will catch me.

So this poem, is dedicated to my pack. (Yep. Pack. Like a wolf pack.)

Brittany, Sammie, Liz, Kayla, Kendra, Ash, Lyndzi, Laia, Alexis, Alexa, Allie, Megan, Frankie, Jake, Moses, Jesus, Joe, Keith, David, Boey, Clive, Janos and  Vincent.

Most of you are like family to me. You have been so amazing to me this past year and a half. You have no idea how much I appreciate all the love that’s been sent my way. This past year has been rough for my whole family, especially my mum and myself.

And I wouldn’t have gotten through it without you pups!

When I was growing up,
my parents told me to be careful on the internet.
Said, always keep your identity a secret,
Don’t give out any personal information.

Told me, I couldn’t trust people online.
So, I learned to fear online interaction.
But I was never told that people around me shouldn’t be trusted.
I had to learn that the hard way.
And learn, I did.

The first time someone I trusted, aired my secrets to the world like a radio show.

The second time,
a friend whom I confided in during a time of great struggle,
plastered my shortcomings up like bulletin boards.

The third time,
a boy,
curled his hands around my neck like I was a bottle.
He shattered me and painted my body purple and blue,
carving it down to bones.
I’m still picking pieces of him from my throat.

The last one,
he promised me,
he was going to turn my broken pieces into a mosaic.
Instead he decided he liked buying cigarettes more than collecting art.

I found myself alone,
with no one.
I spent more time on my own than I was ever used to.

Slowly, I began spending time on social media; talking to people,
building connections.
These people,
took me in.
Took care of me.

I felt like a puzzle,
slowly being assembled.
Today, I’m sure I’m almost whole.

These people, while not physically here with me,
are there for me more than anyone could ever know.

I don’t know what I would have done without them.
They taught me the value of real friendship; and shown me that just because I can be around someone,
doesn’t mean I should be.

They’ve proven that for every fair weather friend, I can find two true blue ones.

Colored Glass.

Wolfette, , , , Leave a comment

Well well well, it’s Valentine’s Day evening! I hope you all had a great day! I woke up quite late, about noon…ish. I rolled myself out of bed, took one look out the window…and almost went back to sleep. It was just a wall of white out there! The snow was flying everywhere the wind was so strong!

So after at least four cups of strong black coffee, and a scalding hot shower(I’m a sadist, I enjoy torturing myself), I ventured out into the frigid temperatures; it was about -4 or so not including the wind chill…which made it -16 and that sucked balls. The roads were not plowed and the snow was being blown all over the roads so it made it almost impossible to see even a foot beyond the hood of my car! It was so windy, I was sliding all over the road and I’m thankful there wasn’t ice. Otherwise…I probably wouldn’t be here, I’m a terrible driver even in some of the better conditions!

So, I went and visited my Granny at the nursing home she lives in; I’m glad it’s only six miles up the way. I visit her on all my days off, which happens to be four out of the seven days of the week! We sat and ate chocolate and talked for about four hours, her neighbor across the hall even came in to visit with us; a lovely lady.

I enjoy visiting my grandma, she’s the only grandparent I have left and I love her very much. When my sister and I were younger, we spent every summer at their house; and even some weekends too! She taught us how to play tennis, we would go to the pool, the park, the library! They’d take us to plays and musicals and to the ballet at the Palace Theater. Sadly her husband, my grandpa died right before Christmas this last year, and she is in stage 5 almost stage 6 of Alzheimer’s disease.

It’s…hard for me to deal with knowing that one day, she’ll forget me. My grandmother on my dad’s side, also had Alzheimer’s disease…and passed away not knowing me. I was always very close with all of my grandparents. I was very lucky.

Anyways, after spending several hours with my granny, I went and did my usual weekend chores; you know, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I came home this evening and promptly put on my OnePiece and started inhaling chocolates. I’m currently on my second box. Judge me. They have declared a level 2 snow emergency for tonight AND IT HASN’T. STOPPED. SNOWING. ALL. DAY.

It’s around 11:30pm right now and I’m just watching the snow blow all around outside my window here.

I want to share a poem with all of you guys that I wrote when I was in high school for a project. It’s not very…valentine-esque but hey…not everything has to coordinate.

It’s called Colored Glass.

I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind,
you’re standing there,
holding a green bottle above your head.

I’m not even sure why I always see this image of you,
I can’t even remember what the circumstance was.
It’s just there; like a still photo.

I can’t get over that,
when I remember what happened,
when I remember how you left,
everything we had said,
set in stone,
on the tip of your tongue.

We had it all,
you and I;
headed straight to the top,
but we never reached the summit.

You told me once about how,
when you were small,
you were followed by those ghosts,
those demons were closing in on you.

Just like you, I was fighting for my own freedom. But you just wouldn’t let me go.

I don’t even know where to begin, I hadn’t even known you for very long, until you crashed into my universe and created this black hole of empty;

claiming you would save me from the darkness that was clawing around the edges of my eyes.

But we ended up sharing a silence,
and it swallowed me up and spat me out all alone.

Maybe I should have known better,
you did warn me after all.

I’m afraid you taught me some good lessons.

I don’t believe in anything anymore,
I’m not dependant on the people around me anymore though, so that’s good I guess.

But don’t forget to remember my name,
because oh baby,
I’m going to come back to haunt you.

Keep your eyes open.

Well, I hope you pups liked that! I love you guys so much! I hope today was a good Valentine’s day for all of you guys! If you had a night out with your significant other, or a night in by yourself; I just hope it was lovely, because you deserve to be happy!

Alright, well I’m off to inhale the rest of this chocolate! Stay warm out there pups! Good night! xxx

Self Care For Valentine’s Day!

Wolfette, , , , Leave a comment

Hello there again pups! So, since Valentine’s day is today, I thought I’d write a little blurb about self care and how to “treat yourself better” not just tomorrow but everyday. I started thinking about this a few days ago, I had noticed a lot of people on a few of my social networking sites had begun to either complain or brag about their relationship status for the upcoming holiday.

A little background, not that it matters; I have actually never had a significant other on valentine’s day.

Which really, uber, super-duper sucks.

But, I also have never had one around for my birthday, or Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween.

None.

So, why should this day be more upsetting than any other?

It shouldn’t. It’s a normal Saturday, I’m not gonna treat it like it wasn’t any other day; truth be told I’m just as miserable all the other days of the year….But I’ve been carb loading on pasta and ice cream all evening so i’m feeling slightly better about it!

Which is what I’m going to babble on about for the next few paragraphs here: feeling better about things!

First things first, to anyone reading this right now, just please know that no matter what; put yourself first.

Always.

That has been a hard lesson for me to learn and live by. Most days it’s still a huge struggle for me. I seek approval from people regardless of who they are or how they play a role in my life. I just, don’t want people to not like me. But I feel it’s important to always take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I doing this for me or for someone else?”  I find myself constantly bending over backwards to please people, mostly men…because I want to seem likeable and that’s dumb….I just need to like me. And, I do like me…

There is a huge portion of women, myself included who have found ourselves single this time of year and become slightly bitter about it. But, I want you all to know, that being bitter isn’t helping. I know it’s nice to be able to complain…believe me I do plenty of it. But if you take some personal time and reflect on how great you are, you’ll feel better.

That’s why self care is extremely important. For me, self care is all about making yourself feel safe, happy and fulfilled.

Short term self care, is something that is perfect for this weekend. For example, let’s say you’re a single pringle, and all your friends either have dates or plans; what do you do?

Well, do whatever you want! A few things you can do are:

Put on your comfiest pair of sweat pants or pajamas…for me, I’ll be wearing my OnePiece! Comfiest thing in the world. You can get your own here->>

http://www.onepiece.co.uk/

I have five of them!

Then, maybe you can put the kettle on and make some tea! I prefer Barry’s Irish Breakfast Tea, the Gold Blend. But make whatever you like!

Get something yummy to eat! Order a pizza! Go to Chipotle!! Get Chinese food! Or, make your favorite meal!

Settle into your favorite recliner, or on your comfy couch with a blanket!

Pop in your favorite movie or find one of your favorite TV shows to watch! I love the show Criminal Minds. Dr. Spencer Reid….oh baby oh baby!!!

If TV isn’t your thing, grab a new book to read!  If you don’t have any new ones, dig out your favorite book from your childhood and go on a wonderful adventure!

I love to curl up in bed with my Harry Potter series.

By now you have probably realized I’m slightly unconventional in the things I enjoy; and if you’re looking for something a little more of that nature; look no further!

If poetry is your thing, well http://www.darkpoetry.com/ is a great place!

If you want to read some spooky stories, I suggest finding some reading material here->>

Creepypasta

These are short stories or long stories that are of the horror variety. Now, if reading them isn’t something you want to do, check out some YouTube channels of my personal favorite CreepyPasta narrators!

www.youtube.com/Mrcreepypasta is an American narrator who is undoubtedly one of the coolest spoopy…yes…that’s the right word..nerds I’ve ever come across.

youtube.com/creepypastajr is an American narrator who is HILARIOUS…and his love for bacon is…just inspirational.

https://www.youtube.com/user/missshadowlovely is an American narrator who is sweet, funny and she is just an all around awesometastic lady!

youtube.com/CreepsMcPasta is a British narrator who…i’m fairly sure is a Pokemon!

Now, if you’re looking for something along the lines of horror with a slash of comedy, I suggest purchasing a book written by Vincent V. Cava. He is an American Author whom, I’m glad I can actually call a friend. He has a few books out and there are some on Audible. You can purchase them here ->>> http://www.vincentvcava.com/

If you’re looking for something funny, here’s a list of comedy movies to look for and watch!

->> http://www.timeout.com/london/film/100-best-comedy-movies-the-full-list

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_American_comedy_films

Now, settle in with your favorite glass of wine, or whiskey or in my case…a Guinness.

Snuggle up with your favorite four legged friends and relax! Life is short and sweet, so don’t stress out over tomorrow. Remember, being alone right now doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. And love yourself..you deserve your love more than anyone else. Always love yourself!

And hey, if you still are stressing out over being alone, my inbox is open. Feel free to drop in and talk to me! I love you!

Happy Valentine’s day!
XXX

It’s less of an addiction and more of a cure.

Wolfette, , , , Leave a comment

you remind me of my first cup of morning coffee.

always warming me from the inside out,
smooth like silk when you run your fingers across my skin.

there’s a richness to the tone of your voice when you’re still half asleep,
to this day, i have never heard a sound so sweet.

i have always craved that from you.
i drink you in like you were the only thing keeping me awake.

i smile knowing you are on the other side of the bed,
just a few inches away.

i feel you retreat from the warmth of our covers,
the springs creak your name,
begging your return.

but you don’t listen,
you can’t hear my bones and how they ache for your embrace again.

we spent last night in shadow,
silence crawling all around our heads,
i feel you pressing bruises into my skin;
a reminder you wanted to be there.
each morning, when the sun peeks over the trees;
i watch the golden light seep across your shoulders,
caressing your face just long enough to make you glitter.

what am i supposed to do now?
if i stay here, you will always get up to leave me when mornings break;
but if i leave you,

you’re not going to come after me.

There was never any new sounds.

Wolfette, , , , , , , Leave a comment

You know what I remember most?

The silence.

I spent years wrapped up in you, after we met on a calm summer night.

Summer breezes now remind me of your hugs, and I hate that. The late summer night we spent tucked into each other in your jeep was the first time I’ve ever let a lover see me cry. You held me soft, for the first and last time that night. It’s strange to think that it’s been almost four years now, since we met.

Sometimes I think about our last fight. We screamed so loudly at one another, you threw the weight of your passions at me, but it didn’t matter in the long run. We never listened to each other. We were like refracting magnets, always at odds. Eventually, we fell apart. Like an ancient sculpture in a flooded courtyard, the only thing we could do was leave.

We weren’t meant to stand together, I know that now. You always slept on my side of the bed, I could never get used to that. I had only ever dreamed alone, now I lie awake and wonder how I ever did.

The first time someone asked me if I missed you, I didn’t say yes. I hadn’t been lying, I didn’t miss you. I only longed for parts of you, not the whole thing.

Like, your arm. Not both, just one. The one that fit so perfectly under my neck at night. The one that coiled around my shoulder like a snake, holding me in place.

Your love was less like a hug, and more of a vice. When you held me, it felt soft. Your grip was strong, but it felt as if I could shatter if I tried to break loose.

In the end though, I didn’t shatter. I burst into an urgent flame, the heat from my chest sears off parts of you I had wanted to keep.

We loved like a heat wave; warm, but suffocating.

I hadn’t meant for our love to look like this. We turned in on ourselves like crumpled bits of paper.

There hasn’t been one part of me since, that has reallly wanted to turn around. I knew that last day, I had to leave you behind me. The last time I saw you, I knew I had made the right choice. You had turned yourself into a match head, waiting to strike yourself on a rock, just to burst out in flames like you had done when you ignited me the first time.

But I’ve long since snuffed that fire out of my veins. I am not made of fire anymore, just ashes and charred flesh.

I’ve always enjoyed the smell of gasoline in the air, like a scent to remind me to come back home.

Slowly, I had been cleaning my burned soul, cleansing the tarnished walls that still stood.

It’s been years now, since we held one another. Last night though, I thought about you. About how you had been the first person to light the match in my head, and the last one to notice I was on fire.

I used to sleep with a radio on, or a fan. But you always said that sound kept you awake. I had learned to be familiar with the quiet, now whenever I hear music in the dark, I think about you.

How you would have traced your fingers down the bend of my spine, pushing each vertebra back into my body. I had almost forgotten the sound of your voice, until I heard that crackling static from a song we had listened to for a whole summer. I’m unable to hear anything at night now. I committed your silent slumbers to memory, like a page in a memoir.

It’s not fair; we used to love loudly, like a concussion rattling our brains, everything always echoed. We spent days on end without the quiet hum of comfort.

But now, whenever I think about you, all I can remember is the silence.