There’s an alpha hidden underneath those hunched shoulders,
something carnal lurking in your mind. You told me so, cautiously. But oh, how I want to see it. To feel the beast inside you, claw it’s way to the surface of your skin, just to take over your vision. Bring that monster out of you, and I will try to soothe his aches.
That polychrome glint off your eyes in the moonlight,
shows me just how clearly you see me in the dark.
I have always hidden away with my lycanthropy,
too terrified of this curse within myself to venture out into the night. Being a monster was not my greatest feature.
That was,
until you drew this beast out of me.
So soft your voice was,
when you told me of the same fear you held inside your own heart.
Last night,
I stared up at the moon,
threw my head back and howled at the top of my lungs,
hoping you were somewhere on the other side of the world,
far across the vast ocean that separates us, standing out in the darkness too.
with your eyes pointed skyward,
and your head tipped back,
howling the same,
beautiful song that is packed beneath my bones.
I have never looked for an alpha,
especially not one so far away,
but you found me. Said, we’re similar and the same. I know, we strangely fit together in a way I’m not sure I’ve known about except in old war stories.
And so maybe we’re part of the same origins, we have the same stardust coursing inside of us. The same fight, we know each other struggles, but I won’t let you give up, and you won’t let me give out.
I find comfort in your quiet authority,
the power you hold over me.
It’s not a dominating force,
just a gentle guiding hand that I can almost feel on the small of my back.
I wonder if your teeth are as sharp as I make sure mine are.
My soul wonders if you would ever tear into my flesh,
just to see if I tasted sweet. Maybe you would, maybe I’d try and taste you back. Grab a piece of you to hold in my mouth.
Part of me wants to see how far I can go,
to try and reach that prime evil center,
the one you’ve hidden away inside your chest.
I bet it’s a beautiful beast you’re hiding. So strong and unstoppable.
The weight of your secret is collapsing your chest,
even the steel strength of your resolve will crack one day.
I tell you, that you have a quiet beauty behind your eyes,
threaded fondness into the softness of your voice.
I want you to know that yes,
you are quite the alpha, and whilst I’m not looking for a mate, maybe I’m looking for a partner, an equal force in this vast, messed up world. Maybe we’re not together in any way but, I would submit my will to follow your direction if you felt you should give it. Not because that’s what I feel I should do, but because I feel I can trust you, I can feel the honesty all the way from here.
I enjoy the feeling of knowing I can give myself over to someone else who would take complete control of everything,
and I would still always be safe within that moment with them.
That is what an alpha is for,
safety and protection.
I trust you with this burden within me.
I want to follow your lead,
I want to seek guidance from you for these scars I wear. Because I know you have scars of your own, and maybe you’d know just what to do.
You never once flinched away at the horrors I presented you with,
all the tangled up lines of trauma,
I threaded into my silences.
It’s strange to think of you as someone I am close with,
even though I’ve not known you very long at all.
I was able to share my secret with you,
and not only did you understand,
but you told me that was the thing you were enthralled by.
My secret,
that monster living in my chest,
you said you have the same one,
that’s living inside of you.
They both are waiting to claw their way out of our souls,
ready to tear us to pieces.
But I know you’re prepared for a fight,
maybe if I spend enough time with you,
I’ll be ready someday too.
I told you that I would never let you feel unsafe, even though it’s not my job to protect you,
I want to make it clear that I would lay down my life to protect you from the monster that you fear may come for you.
If you ever had to run from it again,
I would give you a safe place to rest.
Right here,
in my arms I would hold you, because even though you’re the alpha,
all I want to do,
is take care of you.
That’s how we found each other. The universe placed us in the same darkness. I can keep your soul warm, if you keep me safe.
It is terribly sad that you are so far, for I wish to one day know what it is like to curl around you in the dark. Would you let me sleep next to you, if I promised to keep you warm through the winter?
You laugh, like a summer breeze. Short, quiet bursts of refreshment in an otherwise still air space.
You’ve got the kind of mind I want to climb inside. I want to learn where the dips and cracks of memories become the dreamlike worlds you’ve spoken about.
I’m curious to know if being reckless was something you hoped for, or if you wanted someone to fashion themselves into a safety net beneath you. Neither seems right, at least not yet.
I imagine your hands are practiced with a pen and your mouth steady with the stillness placed on it.
You say silly things, like you don’t like wearing jeans. And I’ve never yet met someone who doesn’t like coffee, but has the same moonlight running in their blood.
Comfort is a strange thing. I found myself paying close attention to the way your mouth formed around a word today. And the careful upward curve of your smile, how strange a thing it is to be comforted by a stranger’s ability to cease becoming a stranger.
I felt connected with you, we share similar lifelines. There are places and moments we can both relate to, in much the same way.
Sleep never comes easy for me, it doesn’t come easy I’ve learned for you either. Maybe that’s because of the moonlight we carry with us. The moon never sleeps, even in the middle of the day. She’s still up, you just can’t see her.
We’re intermittently silent, but it’s never uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel dangerous.
There are things I have yet to learn of you, places I have yet to tell you about.
But us werewolves, we’re immortal baby. We’ve got all the time in the world.
So laugh for me again. That’s right, laugh. With me, for me, at me; it doesn’t matter. Just laugh, because when you do, my gosh you look so beautiful.
Alright, hello pups! Happy Saturday! I hope y’all are having a good weekend, I am! It is International Poetry Day, so I feel like I should share with you a few bits and pieces I have written. Maybe.
First of all though, I’d just like to say a few things. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I’ve been writing poetry for more than 10 years now. I have never really done a lot of it like I am currently doing. It was usually just an outlet for when I was a little too stressed out with school. Eventually though, I would spend more time writing my poetry rather than doing any school work or homework. Which, ultimately caused me to barely graduate high school.
Once I was out of high school, I became very busy with “the real world”, you know getting a license, getting a job, taking care of my family, enrolling in classes at the local community college.
Little background here I guess, while I was in high school, I did not have a license….I was…sort of afraid to drive. Not entirely sure why, but I was just not into it. I took driver’s ed, but I just didn’t finish my in-car’s so by the time I got my license I was over 18 and we had just wasted a shit ton of money and time. Needless to say, I still absolutely suck at driving. Hence why I think I’m missing a wheel barring, again.
Now, since my GPA was not the highest, I was not exactly a candidate for a university unless I went to a Community College and got general education classes out of the way first. However, I didn’t really feel the pull to go to a four year university in the first place. I waited almost a year before enrolling in my first and only college course that I ever took. Math…a math class that was almost 4 levels higher than I ever took in high school. Now, you can probably figure out how I ended up in that class, I guessed on the entrance exam. I spectacularly failed that course and have never gone back. Nor truly wanted to go back.
After I finished that course, I landed a retail job at a hardware chain…not gonna name any names..but I despise the color orange now.
I lost that job, a little under a year later. My life had taken a very odd turn then. I was spending absolutely no time at home. I was out all night, all weekend and sometimes gone for several weekdays at a time. I, don’t want to discuss what I was doing. That was a different life and I would prefer it stayed in the past.
Anyways, so because life kept getting in my way, writing became not just secondary, but irrelevant. I was having way too many problems to get the time to sit down and write honest, passionate words. Which caused me to put it aside and try to focus my attention elsewhere.
Fast forward to now, I had been quite unhappy for some time. I was hiding my emotions from everyone around me, and not using any creative outlets. I would bottle things up until ultimately I would implode with emotions and take out my frustrations on myself.
But, I’m going to say around this time last year, I had started down a path of “self discovery” deciding to say yes to things I wanted to do, go places I wanted to go, and do constructive things for theraputic reasons rather than destructive things for dangerous reasons.
And I’ve learned a lot about myself, what makes me happy, what makes me upset, what makes me a lot more anxious. It had been a rough year, but after the new year, things…weirdly have gotten a lot less chaotic and easier on me. Which has been very good for my health. I had started getting very ill the past few years, and the past two, I had packed on some stress weight. Now, it’s starting to come back off and I’m starting to feel immensely better. Of course it’s a slow process, but I’m getting back on my feet.
Okay, I’m gonna quit rambling. Y’all aren’t here to hear me bitch about my pathetic life.
This poem, is one that I want to dedicate to my wonderful wolf pack, that is steadily growing day by day.
So, to my pups, whom I love very much and have taken me into their lives and into their hearts; I’m so lucky I’ve found each and every one of you. You’re all amazing for different, crazy reasons and I cannot thank you all enough for how much you have helped me become who I am.
I love you pups, I hope you’re all staying warm and safe wherever you are in the world today! This is for you!
Everyone would always say to me,
I’d find my place in the world one day.
There would be somewhere I would fit in,
Some place I could truly be me.
There is a spot for each of us,
most of humanity has a community.
Some are small, others are large.
But each one, is filled with love.
Love of all kinds.
My dear friends, I have hoped for years to find such a spot for myself.
Never did I imagine finding one amongst such beautiful creatures though.
I have spent years wrapped in the confines of those who kept hold of me for their own enjoyment,
or for some sick fulfillment.
I was a doll passed around to those who would grab for me.
Played with, then left on the floor when something else came along.
I would never have known humans had such a capacity for love,
not until you all came along.
I was so used to being left,
so sure I would always be alone,
that when you showed up,
I started counting the days until your departure.
Now, I’m starting to know better,
people are as good inside as I had always hoped for.
I was a scared little girl,
one who never made an impact on those she came across.
Kept my voice tucked inside my throat,
never wanting to make anyone uncomfortable.
Pretending that if something were to happen, it wouldn’t change the course of anyone’s history.
When everything had calmed, I cried. Cried for my heart, cried for that little girl I used to be, cried for the ghost she had become. I just cried.
Tears that I spilled however, were not water. Instead, I would collect them on paper, and watch them run all my passionate words from the pages. Convinced nobody needed to hear about them, no one wanted to see them. Pain like this was supposed to be shameful, my scars, they were so ugly, I was sure no one else had any like them.
But one by one, each of you, have shown me secret parts of yourselves, places with scars and battle wounds, that look so much like mine.
You’re all so beautiful, and I wonder if I see you that way, maybe I’m not much different.
It’s a strange thought, to be happy among such an odd collection of souls.
But I am, each of you brings a different color of light to my previously darkened world. I want to give each of you a piece of me, even though I know it won’t ever be enough. I never have been enough for most people. There are some people who think I am too much, too messy. I would feel like a ball of yarn sitting in the bottom of a sewing basket, tangled, frayed and forgotten.
I am a small pile of sand somedays. All my sharp, glass egdes, warn away by years of such emotions rubbing against one another. Other days, I feel like a wet blanket, or a wilted flower in a jar. Not very much at all. I have nothing really spectacular to discover, or say, but sometimes I feel these big dust storms welling inside my chest. For years, I would just let those storms tear me inside out, now I feel as if I have an anchor. Something concrete really holding me here.
I had let people make meals of me, and let men make toys of me for so long, I can’t remember how to truly exist without that part of myself. I’m trying now though, I want to fashion my life into one I want to have. I want to live a life I can be proud to have. And you are helping me do that. Thank you.
Maybe some of you are new to this world I live in, some of you have been here a while. Even a few of you have made it from my old life, to my new one. If you stay, which I hope you all do, I want you to know there are pieces of me I will carve out of pieces of you. Not to copy who you are, just to mend the hole I had made within me.
If you choose to leave, just know, I would not have been the same if I had not met you. You helped me make my life finally worth living.
Alright, well that was a lot longer than I was expecting it, but I guess my heart had a lot to say. I love you pups. So much. Stay warm! xxx
Okay well,hello pups! It is Thursday! I just got off work so I’m gonna quickly pound this blog out before I go nuts!
I apologize in advance for how long it’s taken me to type this out, when I got home on Sunday evening, our WiFi had been out since the night I left! GAHHH!! That is aggravating! Plus, I had gotten a tad ill, I’ll get to that later. But, here we go, the second half of my A&G Con Blog!
After I left you last, we ended the CreepyPasta panel then went to the bad fanfiction panel and let me tell you, THAT WAS HILARIOUS. I got some “Homework” from it, I must read the story, “My Inner Life” and I’ve only made it to page three now…it’s hard to get through without getting distracted. Once that was over, Brit and myself went back to our room to get some well deserved sleep….because I had been exhausted. Since I had worked all the night before and had not yet taken a nap. Mr. CreepyPasta went all ‘Jeff the Killer’ on me and told me to GO. TO. SLEEP. So, I had to obey the nerdlord.
Okay, so we woke up “early” on Saturday (more realistically around 8ish) grabbed some *STAAAHHHRRRRBOOKS* (Had to throw that in there for my ThunderFriends) and I had the rest of my shortbread cookies for breakfast. ‘Cuz I’m an adult and I’ll eat cookies if I fucking want to!
The first thing we did after grabbing our coffee, and heading into the convention, was ran into Mr. CreepyPasta AGAIN. (Who was stalking who? No JUST KIDDING!!) So, we chatted for a little while, he thieved my #RedWolf #SpiritHood off of me and so of course, I now claim him as part of my pack. Calling all Red Wolves ARROOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Picture goes here.)
Eventually though, we all had to head into the Q&A panel, so we dutifully followed MCP like little ducklings, into the main event panel room thing. (I want to call it an auditorium even though it clearly wasn’t.) We got front row seats! All, five of us who showed up.. I ended up asking what their favorite colors were, majority said, blue. I ask pointless questions. I’m not very useful in that aspect. Most of the YouTube guests were there, as well as a stop motion animator, Justin Kohn, who worked on one of my all time favorite movies; The Nightmare Before Christmas. The YouTubers had another panel to go to, so they left. Brit and I stayed to hear Justin Kohn discuss stop motion animation.
It was so cool to hear all about the stop motion process on that film and a few others, like Coraline, gosh..so many of my favorites are stop motion films. Nightmare, Frankenweenie, Coraline, ANTZ, James and the Giant Peach! Even Mouse and the motorcycle! I knew it was a lot of work, but holy cow! The amount of sheer control you have to exercise to be able to do such amazing work in such a small scale; it’s astounding.
Anyways, after that, we decided to head into the YouTube 101 panel with Mr. CreepyPasta, NateWantsToBattle, DookieShed, ShueTube, MorganWant, I think that was it…correct me if I’m wrong, or missing anybody. It was very informative even though I have no interest in making a YouTube channel ever, I don’t have the follow through for such a thing.
One thing that stuck out to me from all of the Panel guests, it’s all about where your heart is and the content you put out on your channel. It doesn’t matter what system or equipment you use, it’s all about how dedicated you are to your craft.
When that wrapped up, we headed into the writing for internet horror panel that MCP was heading up.
Unfortunately, Vincent V. Cava, fell ill and didn’t think it wise to travel. Therefore he was unable to attend the Con, however I’m informed he’s feeling much better now!
So, MCP was up there just giving us a short synopsis about how to structure a good story, build the background scenes just to the point of solidification, character development and as always how to end on the perfect climax to close a story or lose end to create suspense to build for the next installment.
You know, all the good stuff.
I suggest if you’re looking for a good story, The Pastel Man is a good place to start, find it here. >>>>
Little Black Bugs, also by Vincent V. Cava is definitely a favorite of mine. Find it here. >>>>
Aaaannyways, after that we went to the NerdCore panel. I’m not too big into NerdCore music but we went anyways and I learned that yeah okay, maybe I am into it. A little bit.
Finally, my sister, Claire, and her boyfriend, Adam, showed up midday. So we got them checked into their room and into the Con. I introduced them to MCP and we hung out there at his booth for a tad, or well for a good bit..there wasn’t anything fun going on for a few more hours so yeah…we got to relax for a spell.
I did some networking. And apparently I need business cards. I kept having to write my blog down on people with Sharpie!
Since we were hanging out with MCP the whole day, we followed him to the CrappyPasta panel.
When it was well underway, MCP went right up front to cause some trouble. (No just kidding.) He became their surprise guest! And it was awesome. Fucking nerdlord. Then of course we had to go to his CreepyPasta panel…where he scared us again! Or well, I wasn’t scared..I’m never scared.
*BANG.*
>.> <.<
“What was that?”
>.> <.<
Kidding! I love when MCP reads, “You’re not scared, right?” Written by MissShadowLovely.
Find it here. >>>>
That one, really freaks me the fuck out.
When that was done, we went to check out Nate and Dookie’s late night hang out panel. Those fucking nerds. They were making me laugh so hard. I had a blast in their panel! It was a two hour panel, which was nice because it gave us time to have loads of fun, and cause immense trouble. Dookie nicknamed me dead animal head. So, there’s that.
Nate and Dookie have a collab channel as well as their own channels, you can find all of them here. >>>>
BTW, I’m just linking you to videos I laughed at or enjoyed.
After that was over, was when the real fun began. MCP went to his private party, Brit, Claire, Adam and myself went to our rooms. I think Adam went to bed then. Once that party was done, I was still awake and roaring to party. So, J, Brit, Claire and myself got into the guest party. I met some amazing people while up there, got some good press for my blog I hope! Then, some weird shit happened. I’m not blaming anyone, I think it was just a fluke. Myself and J only had one drink each, now we can hold our own. But within an hour and a half, we were both way too inebriated than we should have been. So, we left. Got back to our perspective rooms safely, I had a very odd conversation with V, then passed out.
Woke up four hours later, with the worst headache I’ve ever had. And I get chronic migraines, I should be used to things like that. But this was different. Very, different.
All day, I felt awful. I was dizzy, and my limbs were shaking. Badly. I don’t want to discuss it any further, but you can probably guess what had transpired. Once again, I don’t want to give the Con a bad name or cause any trouble, because I truly believe it was an isolated incident. Besides, nothing bad happened, we hightailed it out of there before something could.
Nevertheless, it makes me very upset that something like that would not just happen to me, but someone else whom I care about.
But, okay the next morning, once again I had to grab coffee. But I wasn’t able to hold much else down. We met back up with MCP and J, to sit in on the Mystery Read Panel. However, everyone else was late! It was funny once it got started though. They were reading a whole bunch of fun scripts and just dickin’ around.
Once that concluded, we decided to check out the Armory. I was feeling way too dizzy however; so I just filmed MCP, J, and a whole slew of other people hit each other with swords.
I don’t remember a good chunk of that day. I know at some point we witnessed a Con Wedding, it was cute as absolute fuck.
Then, we went and sat in the Isabella Workshop, but not for the whole thing. We caught the last half. I spent a few hours sitting down with MCP and J, trying to network, while not throwing up, or passing out. He wore my SpiritHood for most of that time, because he’s a secret werewolf obviously.
They had CosPlay wrestling, and we watched ‘Steve Irwin’ get killed in the ring with a ‘StingRay’..oh..it was heartbreaking.
I was truly in bad form on Sunday. I had bought some Girl Scout cookies because I needed something to eat.
Brit went and sat in the Pokemon Panel, I stayed behind to chat. Claire came to collect me to go to the Avatar Panel.
Brit tried to explain it to me…I still am so confused.
After that, we went to the Black Butler Panel, which I knew nothing about…still extremely lost. So we went back to the Dealer’s room to buy stuff. I bought a beautiful wolf poster, a HufflePuff beanie, several pins(as if I don’t already have hundreds.) and a black and red lace collar. I’m happy with that purchase because I’m going to use it for my OC for the next Con I go to.
We sat and chinwagged with MCP, J, and several people who would come and go periodically, until the dealer’s room was closing, which meant it was time for the closing ceremonies. We sat through that which was cool, but it was extremely cold in that room so we left.
After that was over, MCP, J and a few others joined us and we sat in the hotel lobby and talked about war history of all things! THESE ARE MY KIND OF PEOPLE! It’s so hard to find nice people, who like the things you like, and still like you. I was in need of goodhearted people.
The group of us that were hanging out, honestly I’m glad I met the people I met this weekend. I don’t trust people often or easily, but The CreepyPasta Community has really taken me in and I’m so grateful for that.
It was getting a little bit late, MCP had a flight to catch and we had to get on home too, so we said our goodbyes, and we went our separate ways. Brit and I drove home, then stopped at Olive Garden when we were close enough to home.
Alright, well *whew* what a weekend! I hope I didn’t miss anything! I had a great weekend, with amazing people, new and old!
Alright pups, I’ll upload photos and videos in a minute! Stay warm! Love you! xxx
Alright! It happens to be 3:30 in the morning! And I’m at work.
Yay!
But, I just wanted to write a little blurb about friends!
Throughout my life, I have had a hard time making and keeping friends, mostly due to my social anxiety.
I’m not too great at small talk, or even talking on the phone, face to face interaction scares the living crap out of me!
So, the friends I made, I didn’t make a whole lot of them. And most of them…I don’t see or talk to any longer. I only have a small handful of friends I see from my hometown nowadays. I live in a small town so, most either moved away or…we just grew apart.
But today most of my friends I met online.
And they are like a network of love, from all across the globe!
I’m so lucky they’re all in my life! Some, I met through our mutual love of a world music group called Celtic Thunder! Others, through One Direction. Most recently, I’ve met amazing people through the CreepyPasta fandom and I’m so lucky to have found some of those people!
I just wanted to write this little blog to say thanks to all my friends who love me and support me and look after me.
I don’t get to see you often, or talk to you everyday; but I know without a doubt, I can count on your support in anything I do. And if I fall, you will catch me.
So this poem, is dedicated to my pack. (Yep. Pack. Like a wolf pack.)
Most of you are like family to me. You have been so amazing to me this past year and a half. You have no idea how much I appreciate all the love that’s been sent my way. This past year has been rough for my whole family, especially my mum and myself.
And I wouldn’t have gotten through it without you pups!
When I was growing up,
my parents told me to be careful on the internet.
Said, always keep your identity a secret,
Don’t give out any personal information.
Told me, I couldn’t trust people online.
So, I learned to fear online interaction.
But I was never told that people around me shouldn’t be trusted.
I had to learn that the hard way.
And learn, I did.
The first time someone I trusted, aired my secrets to the world like a radio show.
The second time,
a friend whom I confided in during a time of great struggle,
plastered my shortcomings up like bulletin boards.
The third time,
a boy,
curled his hands around my neck like I was a bottle.
He shattered me and painted my body purple and blue,
carving it down to bones.
I’m still picking pieces of him from my throat.
The last one,
he promised me,
he was going to turn my broken pieces into a mosaic.
Instead he decided he liked buying cigarettes more than collecting art.
I found myself alone,
with no one.
I spent more time on my own than I was ever used to.
Slowly, I began spending time on social media; talking to people,
building connections.
These people,
took me in.
Took care of me.
I felt like a puzzle,
slowly being assembled.
Today, I’m sure I’m almost whole.
These people, while not physically here with me,
are there for me more than anyone could ever know.
I don’t know what I would have done without them.
They taught me the value of real friendship; and shown me that just because I can be around someone,
doesn’t mean I should be.
They’ve proven that for every fair weather friend, I can find two true blue ones.
The Warrior And Her Wolfhound Welcomes You. 