It’s the middle of the day.

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Good morning.
Good morning.

With all this suffocating darkness,
I would have thought it midnight;
I would have, if not for the small, faint, chirping of the early day bird songs,
that are seeping through the leaking windowpanes of my bedroom.

In the air, hangs the dormant smell of last night’s whiskey, worn leather, and fresh coffee grounds.

There’s something wicked lurking through my house today, filling in the corners and climbing up the walls.

I can hear it like radio static, scraping the insides of my skull.
Almost like nails down a blackboard, it leaves my brain clutching to the darkness.

I want to crawl back under those blankets and forget what I must do, but responsibility is screaming for me to move.

I still can’t see anything, there is a gray light touching the edges of my peripheral vision now.

I’ve never been good at gray scale, my everything is always so black and white.

Always one or the other but never both, not until last night.

Last night when I tried to fold myself like a napkin in your lap, after years of laying wrinkled.

I remember the night i met you.We danced, delicately. You held me like a wine glass, with slow, practiced hands.

Now, years later, all that is left of us are dirty clothes piled on the floor, shattered glass ware and your almost full ashtray.

You stormed out and haven’t come back once. But I’m still waiting here, under these covers, hoping that chirping I hear, will morph into slow, practiced footsteps coming back to me.

The smell of coffee, old worn out leather and stale whiskey, coats my lungs. Just like a dormant, wicked, shadow, waiting to climb into the corners of me; the ones you, left empty.

Good morning.
No, good night.

Oh wow! Sorry!!

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Hey guys, it is early Monday morning and I haven’t posted anything in awhile! Sorry about that, I’ve just been really busy, and things have been very hectic!!! Business has been picking up at work, and there have been some changes on the factory floor. Most notably, my coworker, that I used to work with on 3rd shift, had a violent psychotic breakdown… mid shift, around…midnight on Tuesday night, and flipped out, and walked off the job. so we’ve been reeling after that, and trying to scramble to move shifts around, and hire someone else to cover that vacant spot.

But I just wanted to write this little update, and say that I’m still alive!!! I’m still here!! I love you guys very much!

My grandma’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago and my aunts birthday was yesterday.. we’re going to go out hopefully next weekend to celebrate both of their birthdays, since we’ve gotten lots of snow the last three weeks and we’ve basically been snowed in!

Also, I have all my travel confirmation details! Everything is booked, and paid for, for both of my upcoming trips! My trip to A&G/cartooncon in about 2 weeks!!

Also my trip to Atlantic city to see Celtic Thunder on Easter weekend! Yay!

I’m quite excited for both of those, because normally I don’t get to do a lot of traveling or take a lot of vacations on my own! But I’ve made a promise to myself to be able to get out, and do things that I don’t normally do; so I’m going to live up to that promise, and get out of my comfort zone, and see where that takes me!

And speaking of Easter, i wanted to say a few things; my family is Greek, on my dad’s side, so we usually celebrate Greek Orthodox Easter. Orthodox Easter is the weekend after Christian Easter this year so we’ll be celebrating that instead because on my mom’s side, it’s just my grandmother, who is in a nursing home, and my aunt; so we’re going to bring both of them to Greek Easter instead of having two. 

I come from a very big family; and I’ve always been very lucky, because I’m very close with all of my relatives. We always would have large get togethers, big family dinners, big family parties for holidays or birthdays. We would have family dinners every week, when I was younger. Where most of us, on my mom’s side, would get together at my grandma’s house, and have dinner. So I was always very lucky to have large family gatherings and a lot of people around me.

Now that my family is dwindling and people are moving away, or getting married, having families of their own, or passing away; it’s become a lot more important to me, my sister, and my cousins, to have these family gatherings; because we enjoy having that sense of family, and support around us, and we know that not everyone has that.

We consider ourselves some of the luckiest people in the world to have that, and we will miss it when they no longer are something that our family does.

I’m sorry I don’t have a poem for tonight but I’m just not in a poetry type of mood right now.

Anyways, I hope I didn’t bore y’all too much with this. Love you pups. Stay warm out there!

Long distance friendships.

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Alright! It happens to be 3:30 in the morning! And I’m at work.

Yay!

But, I just wanted to write a little blurb about friends!

Throughout my life, I have had a hard time making and keeping friends, mostly due to my social anxiety.

I’m not too great at small talk, or even talking on the phone, face to face interaction scares the living crap out of me!

So, the friends I made, I didn’t make a whole lot of them. And most of them…I don’t see or talk to any longer. I only have a small handful of friends I see from my hometown nowadays. I live in a small town so, most either moved away or…we just grew apart.

But today most of my friends I met online.

And they are like a network of love, from all across the globe!

I’m so lucky they’re all in my life! Some, I met through our mutual love of a world music group called Celtic Thunder! Others, through One Direction. Most recently, I’ve met amazing people through the CreepyPasta fandom and I’m so lucky to have found some of those people!

I just wanted to write this little blog to say thanks to all my friends who love me and support me and look after me.

I don’t get to see you often, or talk to you everyday; but I know without a doubt, I can count on your support in anything I do. And if I fall, you will catch me.

So this poem, is dedicated to my pack. (Yep. Pack. Like a wolf pack.)

Brittany, Sammie, Liz, Kayla, Kendra, Ash, Lyndzi, Laia, Alexis, Alexa, Allie, Megan, Frankie, Jake, Moses, Jesus, Joe, Keith, David, Boey, Clive, Janos and  Vincent.

Most of you are like family to me. You have been so amazing to me this past year and a half. You have no idea how much I appreciate all the love that’s been sent my way. This past year has been rough for my whole family, especially my mum and myself.

And I wouldn’t have gotten through it without you pups!

When I was growing up,
my parents told me to be careful on the internet.
Said, always keep your identity a secret,
Don’t give out any personal information.

Told me, I couldn’t trust people online.
So, I learned to fear online interaction.
But I was never told that people around me shouldn’t be trusted.
I had to learn that the hard way.
And learn, I did.

The first time someone I trusted, aired my secrets to the world like a radio show.

The second time,
a friend whom I confided in during a time of great struggle,
plastered my shortcomings up like bulletin boards.

The third time,
a boy,
curled his hands around my neck like I was a bottle.
He shattered me and painted my body purple and blue,
carving it down to bones.
I’m still picking pieces of him from my throat.

The last one,
he promised me,
he was going to turn my broken pieces into a mosaic.
Instead he decided he liked buying cigarettes more than collecting art.

I found myself alone,
with no one.
I spent more time on my own than I was ever used to.

Slowly, I began spending time on social media; talking to people,
building connections.
These people,
took me in.
Took care of me.

I felt like a puzzle,
slowly being assembled.
Today, I’m sure I’m almost whole.

These people, while not physically here with me,
are there for me more than anyone could ever know.

I don’t know what I would have done without them.
They taught me the value of real friendship; and shown me that just because I can be around someone,
doesn’t mean I should be.

They’ve proven that for every fair weather friend, I can find two true blue ones.

Colored Glass.

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Well well well, it’s Valentine’s Day evening! I hope you all had a great day! I woke up quite late, about noon…ish. I rolled myself out of bed, took one look out the window…and almost went back to sleep. It was just a wall of white out there! The snow was flying everywhere the wind was so strong!

So after at least four cups of strong black coffee, and a scalding hot shower(I’m a sadist, I enjoy torturing myself), I ventured out into the frigid temperatures; it was about -4 or so not including the wind chill…which made it -16 and that sucked balls. The roads were not plowed and the snow was being blown all over the roads so it made it almost impossible to see even a foot beyond the hood of my car! It was so windy, I was sliding all over the road and I’m thankful there wasn’t ice. Otherwise…I probably wouldn’t be here, I’m a terrible driver even in some of the better conditions!

So, I went and visited my Granny at the nursing home she lives in; I’m glad it’s only six miles up the way. I visit her on all my days off, which happens to be four out of the seven days of the week! We sat and ate chocolate and talked for about four hours, her neighbor across the hall even came in to visit with us; a lovely lady.

I enjoy visiting my grandma, she’s the only grandparent I have left and I love her very much. When my sister and I were younger, we spent every summer at their house; and even some weekends too! She taught us how to play tennis, we would go to the pool, the park, the library! They’d take us to plays and musicals and to the ballet at the Palace Theater. Sadly her husband, my grandpa died right before Christmas this last year, and she is in stage 5 almost stage 6 of Alzheimer’s disease.

It’s…hard for me to deal with knowing that one day, she’ll forget me. My grandmother on my dad’s side, also had Alzheimer’s disease…and passed away not knowing me. I was always very close with all of my grandparents. I was very lucky.

Anyways, after spending several hours with my granny, I went and did my usual weekend chores; you know, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I came home this evening and promptly put on my OnePiece and started inhaling chocolates. I’m currently on my second box. Judge me. They have declared a level 2 snow emergency for tonight AND IT HASN’T. STOPPED. SNOWING. ALL. DAY.

It’s around 11:30pm right now and I’m just watching the snow blow all around outside my window here.

I want to share a poem with all of you guys that I wrote when I was in high school for a project. It’s not very…valentine-esque but hey…not everything has to coordinate.

It’s called Colored Glass.

I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind,
you’re standing there,
holding a green bottle above your head.

I’m not even sure why I always see this image of you,
I can’t even remember what the circumstance was.
It’s just there; like a still photo.

I can’t get over that,
when I remember what happened,
when I remember how you left,
everything we had said,
set in stone,
on the tip of your tongue.

We had it all,
you and I;
headed straight to the top,
but we never reached the summit.

You told me once about how,
when you were small,
you were followed by those ghosts,
those demons were closing in on you.

Just like you, I was fighting for my own freedom. But you just wouldn’t let me go.

I don’t even know where to begin, I hadn’t even known you for very long, until you crashed into my universe and created this black hole of empty;

claiming you would save me from the darkness that was clawing around the edges of my eyes.

But we ended up sharing a silence,
and it swallowed me up and spat me out all alone.

Maybe I should have known better,
you did warn me after all.

I’m afraid you taught me some good lessons.

I don’t believe in anything anymore,
I’m not dependant on the people around me anymore though, so that’s good I guess.

But don’t forget to remember my name,
because oh baby,
I’m going to come back to haunt you.

Keep your eyes open.

Well, I hope you pups liked that! I love you guys so much! I hope today was a good Valentine’s day for all of you guys! If you had a night out with your significant other, or a night in by yourself; I just hope it was lovely, because you deserve to be happy!

Alright, well I’m off to inhale the rest of this chocolate! Stay warm out there pups! Good night! xxx

Self Care For Valentine’s Day!

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Hello there again pups! So, since Valentine’s day is today, I thought I’d write a little blurb about self care and how to “treat yourself better” not just tomorrow but everyday. I started thinking about this a few days ago, I had noticed a lot of people on a few of my social networking sites had begun to either complain or brag about their relationship status for the upcoming holiday.

A little background, not that it matters; I have actually never had a significant other on valentine’s day.

Which really, uber, super-duper sucks.

But, I also have never had one around for my birthday, or Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween.

None.

So, why should this day be more upsetting than any other?

It shouldn’t. It’s a normal Saturday, I’m not gonna treat it like it wasn’t any other day; truth be told I’m just as miserable all the other days of the year….But I’ve been carb loading on pasta and ice cream all evening so i’m feeling slightly better about it!

Which is what I’m going to babble on about for the next few paragraphs here: feeling better about things!

First things first, to anyone reading this right now, just please know that no matter what; put yourself first.

Always.

That has been a hard lesson for me to learn and live by. Most days it’s still a huge struggle for me. I seek approval from people regardless of who they are or how they play a role in my life. I just, don’t want people to not like me. But I feel it’s important to always take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I doing this for me or for someone else?”  I find myself constantly bending over backwards to please people, mostly men…because I want to seem likeable and that’s dumb….I just need to like me. And, I do like me…

There is a huge portion of women, myself included who have found ourselves single this time of year and become slightly bitter about it. But, I want you all to know, that being bitter isn’t helping. I know it’s nice to be able to complain…believe me I do plenty of it. But if you take some personal time and reflect on how great you are, you’ll feel better.

That’s why self care is extremely important. For me, self care is all about making yourself feel safe, happy and fulfilled.

Short term self care, is something that is perfect for this weekend. For example, let’s say you’re a single pringle, and all your friends either have dates or plans; what do you do?

Well, do whatever you want! A few things you can do are:

Put on your comfiest pair of sweat pants or pajamas…for me, I’ll be wearing my OnePiece! Comfiest thing in the world. You can get your own here->>

http://www.onepiece.co.uk/

I have five of them!

Then, maybe you can put the kettle on and make some tea! I prefer Barry’s Irish Breakfast Tea, the Gold Blend. But make whatever you like!

Get something yummy to eat! Order a pizza! Go to Chipotle!! Get Chinese food! Or, make your favorite meal!

Settle into your favorite recliner, or on your comfy couch with a blanket!

Pop in your favorite movie or find one of your favorite TV shows to watch! I love the show Criminal Minds. Dr. Spencer Reid….oh baby oh baby!!!

If TV isn’t your thing, grab a new book to read!  If you don’t have any new ones, dig out your favorite book from your childhood and go on a wonderful adventure!

I love to curl up in bed with my Harry Potter series.

By now you have probably realized I’m slightly unconventional in the things I enjoy; and if you’re looking for something a little more of that nature; look no further!

If poetry is your thing, well http://www.darkpoetry.com/ is a great place!

If you want to read some spooky stories, I suggest finding some reading material here->>

Creepypasta

These are short stories or long stories that are of the horror variety. Now, if reading them isn’t something you want to do, check out some YouTube channels of my personal favorite CreepyPasta narrators!

www.youtube.com/Mrcreepypasta is an American narrator who is undoubtedly one of the coolest spoopy…yes…that’s the right word..nerds I’ve ever come across.

youtube.com/creepypastajr is an American narrator who is HILARIOUS…and his love for bacon is…just inspirational.

https://www.youtube.com/user/missshadowlovely is an American narrator who is sweet, funny and she is just an all around awesometastic lady!

youtube.com/CreepsMcPasta is a British narrator who…i’m fairly sure is a Pokemon!

Now, if you’re looking for something along the lines of horror with a slash of comedy, I suggest purchasing a book written by Vincent V. Cava. He is an American Author whom, I’m glad I can actually call a friend. He has a few books out and there are some on Audible. You can purchase them here ->>> http://www.vincentvcava.com/

If you’re looking for something funny, here’s a list of comedy movies to look for and watch!

->> http://www.timeout.com/london/film/100-best-comedy-movies-the-full-list

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_American_comedy_films

Now, settle in with your favorite glass of wine, or whiskey or in my case…a Guinness.

Snuggle up with your favorite four legged friends and relax! Life is short and sweet, so don’t stress out over tomorrow. Remember, being alone right now doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. And love yourself..you deserve your love more than anyone else. Always love yourself!

And hey, if you still are stressing out over being alone, my inbox is open. Feel free to drop in and talk to me! I love you!

Happy Valentine’s day!
XXX

Friday the 13th!!!

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Wow we’re already into the weekend?!? What?

So, it’s Friday! Hope all of you pups are having a great day! I am. I got paid today! Woot woot!

Tomorrow is valentine’s day. If you’re gonna celebrate with your special someone, enjoy!

If you’re like myself and a single little pringle, spend this weekend treating yourself!!! It’s a great time to practice some serious self care!

BUT, for now, I have a few things for you guys! Firstly, I want to share a poem that I wrote several years back, when I was in school.

It’s called: Bystander.

I am not to be misjudged. I want to be loved, but that fairy tale is so unlikely now.

I’m just another invisible, smiling face, just trying to hide it all. The pain, the tears, and the terror. My nightmares are painted the color of your eyes, your image drapes itself around my mind. The sound of your voice is echoing through my ears.

You would always tell me, I was going to regret leaving. you. But I don’t. Of course, there are days I look over my shoulder, expecting you to be there behind me. But you never are. I feel lucky I got away. The last time I saw you, I remember feeling so small. Afraid you would come for me, wrap your hands around my neck one last time.

I could have turned you in, should have turned you in. Every noise at night, I hope it isn’t you. I make sure every door is locked, always latch my windows. I remembered praying for death for so long, I didn’t know why….why you picked me. We had been friends, maybe that was why. You had gotten me to trust you, so I wouldn’t question you.

Years later, well…I’m still unsure where I am going; all because of you. If I go anywhere, I imagine you finding me and I disappear. I don’t want to be invisible again.

Alright alright alright!!! Hope y’all liked that! It’s a little darker piece, but hey that’s how I roll.

But anyways, as I said before, tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I happen to be an expert in being single on this day.

And I had a conversation with someone who like me, is single, and we came up with a list of things that are necessary for those of us who find ourselves single and (sadly) wanting, for things they can’t or don’t have.

Her and I felt it was important to instead of focusing on the negative side of being single, we should discuss the positive sides!!!!!! Because yes, there are many! And to use this weekend to exercise some self care!

If you happen to find yourselves alone at home this Valentine’s day; go out and get some ice cream, order a pizza, watch an ’80’s classic!, splurge on some expensive meal even! Buy the good wine!

Seriously, just do whatever makes you happy. It’s just a regular Saturday after all…be kind to yourself. You deserve love, so love yourself.

Alright I’m off to see me granny! Love you pups! Stay warm!

Insomnia.

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I see your face sometimes when I close my eyes. There’s so few nights when I sleep soundly anymore, surrounded in my thoughts, your face, it burdens me so. Yet your words, your voice, it’s like a broken cassette tape. Endlessly repeating in my ear, offering me some comfort.

I knew you never loved me, yet I can’t deny how much I loved you.

You remind me of a sleeping pill that got stuck in my windpipe. I used to think of you like a cup of tea, warm and stimulating. Now, I know I was just fooling myself. Your poison thrummed through my bloodstream so fast it made me dizzy.

When we finally went our separate ways, I spent months lying awake in my old bed. Never dreaming, just staring at the ceiling. We used to share a pillow, you were a blanket hog. I never could get used to having someone so close to me, but now I can’t get used to being so alone in the dark.

It’s less of an addiction and more of a cure.

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you remind me of my first cup of morning coffee.

always warming me from the inside out,
smooth like silk when you run your fingers across my skin.

there’s a richness to the tone of your voice when you’re still half asleep,
to this day, i have never heard a sound so sweet.

i have always craved that from you.
i drink you in like you were the only thing keeping me awake.

i smile knowing you are on the other side of the bed,
just a few inches away.

i feel you retreat from the warmth of our covers,
the springs creak your name,
begging your return.

but you don’t listen,
you can’t hear my bones and how they ache for your embrace again.

we spent last night in shadow,
silence crawling all around our heads,
i feel you pressing bruises into my skin;
a reminder you wanted to be there.
each morning, when the sun peeks over the trees;
i watch the golden light seep across your shoulders,
caressing your face just long enough to make you glitter.

what am i supposed to do now?
if i stay here, you will always get up to leave me when mornings break;
but if i leave you,

you’re not going to come after me.

There was never any new sounds.

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You know what I remember most?

The silence.

I spent years wrapped up in you, after we met on a calm summer night.

Summer breezes now remind me of your hugs, and I hate that. The late summer night we spent tucked into each other in your jeep was the first time I’ve ever let a lover see me cry. You held me soft, for the first and last time that night. It’s strange to think that it’s been almost four years now, since we met.

Sometimes I think about our last fight. We screamed so loudly at one another, you threw the weight of your passions at me, but it didn’t matter in the long run. We never listened to each other. We were like refracting magnets, always at odds. Eventually, we fell apart. Like an ancient sculpture in a flooded courtyard, the only thing we could do was leave.

We weren’t meant to stand together, I know that now. You always slept on my side of the bed, I could never get used to that. I had only ever dreamed alone, now I lie awake and wonder how I ever did.

The first time someone asked me if I missed you, I didn’t say yes. I hadn’t been lying, I didn’t miss you. I only longed for parts of you, not the whole thing.

Like, your arm. Not both, just one. The one that fit so perfectly under my neck at night. The one that coiled around my shoulder like a snake, holding me in place.

Your love was less like a hug, and more of a vice. When you held me, it felt soft. Your grip was strong, but it felt as if I could shatter if I tried to break loose.

In the end though, I didn’t shatter. I burst into an urgent flame, the heat from my chest sears off parts of you I had wanted to keep.

We loved like a heat wave; warm, but suffocating.

I hadn’t meant for our love to look like this. We turned in on ourselves like crumpled bits of paper.

There hasn’t been one part of me since, that has reallly wanted to turn around. I knew that last day, I had to leave you behind me. The last time I saw you, I knew I had made the right choice. You had turned yourself into a match head, waiting to strike yourself on a rock, just to burst out in flames like you had done when you ignited me the first time.

But I’ve long since snuffed that fire out of my veins. I am not made of fire anymore, just ashes and charred flesh.

I’ve always enjoyed the smell of gasoline in the air, like a scent to remind me to come back home.

Slowly, I had been cleaning my burned soul, cleansing the tarnished walls that still stood.

It’s been years now, since we held one another. Last night though, I thought about you. About how you had been the first person to light the match in my head, and the last one to notice I was on fire.

I used to sleep with a radio on, or a fan. But you always said that sound kept you awake. I had learned to be familiar with the quiet, now whenever I hear music in the dark, I think about you.

How you would have traced your fingers down the bend of my spine, pushing each vertebra back into my body. I had almost forgotten the sound of your voice, until I heard that crackling static from a song we had listened to for a whole summer. I’m unable to hear anything at night now. I committed your silent slumbers to memory, like a page in a memoir.

It’s not fair; we used to love loudly, like a concussion rattling our brains, everything always echoed. We spent days on end without the quiet hum of comfort.

But now, whenever I think about you, all I can remember is the silence.