I love old school candles, i have this on my desk!!
Colored Glass.
Well well well, it’s Valentine’s Day evening! I hope you all had a great day! I woke up quite late, about noon…ish. I rolled myself out of bed, took one look out the window…and almost went back to sleep. It was just a wall of white out there! The snow was flying everywhere the wind was so strong!
So after at least four cups of strong black coffee, and a scalding hot shower(I’m a sadist, I enjoy torturing myself), I ventured out into the frigid temperatures; it was about -4 or so not including the wind chill…which made it -16 and that sucked balls. The roads were not plowed and the snow was being blown all over the roads so it made it almost impossible to see even a foot beyond the hood of my car! It was so windy, I was sliding all over the road and I’m thankful there wasn’t ice. Otherwise…I probably wouldn’t be here, I’m a terrible driver even in some of the better conditions!
So, I went and visited my Granny at the nursing home she lives in; I’m glad it’s only six miles up the way. I visit her on all my days off, which happens to be four out of the seven days of the week! We sat and ate chocolate and talked for about four hours, her neighbor across the hall even came in to visit with us; a lovely lady.
I enjoy visiting my grandma, she’s the only grandparent I have left and I love her very much. When my sister and I were younger, we spent every summer at their house; and even some weekends too! She taught us how to play tennis, we would go to the pool, the park, the library! They’d take us to plays and musicals and to the ballet at the Palace Theater. Sadly her husband, my grandpa died right before Christmas this last year, and she is in stage 5 almost stage 6 of Alzheimer’s disease.
It’s…hard for me to deal with knowing that one day, she’ll forget me. My grandmother on my dad’s side, also had Alzheimer’s disease…and passed away not knowing me. I was always very close with all of my grandparents. I was very lucky.
Anyways, after spending several hours with my granny, I went and did my usual weekend chores; you know, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I came home this evening and promptly put on my OnePiece and started inhaling chocolates. I’m currently on my second box. Judge me. They have declared a level 2 snow emergency for tonight AND IT HASN’T. STOPPED. SNOWING. ALL. DAY.
It’s around 11:30pm right now and I’m just watching the snow blow all around outside my window here.
I want to share a poem with all of you guys that I wrote when I was in high school for a project. It’s not very…valentine-esque but hey…not everything has to coordinate.
It’s called Colored Glass.
I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind,
you’re standing there,
holding a green bottle above your head.
I’m not even sure why I always see this image of you,
I can’t even remember what the circumstance was.
It’s just there; like a still photo.
I can’t get over that,
when I remember what happened,
when I remember how you left,
everything we had said,
set in stone,
on the tip of your tongue.
We had it all,
you and I;
headed straight to the top,
but we never reached the summit.
You told me once about how,
when you were small,
you were followed by those ghosts,
those demons were closing in on you.
Just like you, I was fighting for my own freedom. But you just wouldn’t let me go.
I don’t even know where to begin, I hadn’t even known you for very long, until you crashed into my universe and created this black hole of empty;
claiming you would save me from the darkness that was clawing around the edges of my eyes.
But we ended up sharing a silence,
and it swallowed me up and spat me out all alone.
Maybe I should have known better,
you did warn me after all.
I’m afraid you taught me some good lessons.
I don’t believe in anything anymore,
I’m not dependant on the people around me anymore though, so that’s good I guess.
But don’t forget to remember my name,
because oh baby,
I’m going to come back to haunt you.
Keep your eyes open.
Well, I hope you pups liked that! I love you guys so much! I hope today was a good Valentine’s day for all of you guys! If you had a night out with your significant other, or a night in by yourself; I just hope it was lovely, because you deserve to be happy!
Alright, well I’m off to inhale the rest of this chocolate! Stay warm out there pups! Good night! xxx
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Self Care For Valentine’s Day!
Hello there again pups! So, since Valentine’s day is today, I thought I’d write a little blurb about self care and how to “treat yourself better” not just tomorrow but everyday. I started thinking about this a few days ago, I had noticed a lot of people on a few of my social networking sites had begun to either complain or brag about their relationship status for the upcoming holiday.
A little background, not that it matters; I have actually never had a significant other on valentine’s day.
Which really, uber, super-duper sucks.
But, I also have never had one around for my birthday, or Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween.
None.
So, why should this day be more upsetting than any other?
It shouldn’t. It’s a normal Saturday, I’m not gonna treat it like it wasn’t any other day; truth be told I’m just as miserable all the other days of the year….But I’ve been carb loading on pasta and ice cream all evening so i’m feeling slightly better about it!
Which is what I’m going to babble on about for the next few paragraphs here: feeling better about things!
First things first, to anyone reading this right now, just please know that no matter what; put yourself first.
Always.
That has been a hard lesson for me to learn and live by. Most days it’s still a huge struggle for me. I seek approval from people regardless of who they are or how they play a role in my life. I just, don’t want people to not like me. But I feel it’s important to always take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I doing this for me or for someone else?” I find myself constantly bending over backwards to please people, mostly men…because I want to seem likeable and that’s dumb….I just need to like me. And, I do like me…
There is a huge portion of women, myself included who have found ourselves single this time of year and become slightly bitter about it. But, I want you all to know, that being bitter isn’t helping. I know it’s nice to be able to complain…believe me I do plenty of it. But if you take some personal time and reflect on how great you are, you’ll feel better.
That’s why self care is extremely important. For me, self care is all about making yourself feel safe, happy and fulfilled.
Short term self care, is something that is perfect for this weekend. For example, let’s say you’re a single pringle, and all your friends either have dates or plans; what do you do?
Well, do whatever you want! A few things you can do are:
Put on your comfiest pair of sweat pants or pajamas…for me, I’ll be wearing my OnePiece! Comfiest thing in the world. You can get your own here->>
I have five of them!
Then, maybe you can put the kettle on and make some tea! I prefer Barry’s Irish Breakfast Tea, the Gold Blend. But make whatever you like!
Get something yummy to eat! Order a pizza! Go to Chipotle!! Get Chinese food! Or, make your favorite meal!
Settle into your favorite recliner, or on your comfy couch with a blanket!
Pop in your favorite movie or find one of your favorite TV shows to watch! I love the show Criminal Minds. Dr. Spencer Reid….oh baby oh baby!!!
If TV isn’t your thing, grab a new book to read! If you don’t have any new ones, dig out your favorite book from your childhood and go on a wonderful adventure!
I love to curl up in bed with my Harry Potter series.
By now you have probably realized I’m slightly unconventional in the things I enjoy; and if you’re looking for something a little more of that nature; look no further!
If poetry is your thing, well http://www.darkpoetry.com/ is a great place!
If you want to read some spooky stories, I suggest finding some reading material here->>
These are short stories or long stories that are of the horror variety. Now, if reading them isn’t something you want to do, check out some YouTube channels of my personal favorite CreepyPasta narrators!
www.youtube.com/Mrcreepypasta is an American narrator who is undoubtedly one of the coolest spoopy…yes…that’s the right word..nerds I’ve ever come across.
youtube.com/creepypastajr is an American narrator who is HILARIOUS…and his love for bacon is…just inspirational.
https://www.youtube.com/user/missshadowlovely is an American narrator who is sweet, funny and she is just an all around awesometastic lady!
youtube.com/CreepsMcPasta is a British narrator who…i’m fairly sure is a Pokemon!
Now, if you’re looking for something along the lines of horror with a slash of comedy, I suggest purchasing a book written by Vincent V. Cava. He is an American Author whom, I’m glad I can actually call a friend. He has a few books out and there are some on Audible. You can purchase them here ->>> http://www.vincentvcava.com/
If you’re looking for something funny, here’s a list of comedy movies to look for and watch!
->> http://www.timeout.com/london/film/100-best-comedy-movies-the-full-list
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_American_comedy_films
Now, settle in with your favorite glass of wine, or whiskey or in my case…a Guinness.
Snuggle up with your favorite four legged friends and relax! Life is short and sweet, so don’t stress out over tomorrow. Remember, being alone right now doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. And love yourself..you deserve your love more than anyone else. Always love yourself!
And hey, if you still are stressing out over being alone, my inbox is open. Feel free to drop in and talk to me! I love you!
Happy Valentine’s day!
XXX
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Friday the 13th!!!
Wow we’re already into the weekend?!? What?
So, it’s Friday! Hope all of you pups are having a great day! I am. I got paid today! Woot woot!
Tomorrow is valentine’s day. If you’re gonna celebrate with your special someone, enjoy!
If you’re like myself and a single little pringle, spend this weekend treating yourself!!! It’s a great time to practice some serious self care!
BUT, for now, I have a few things for you guys! Firstly, I want to share a poem that I wrote several years back, when I was in school.
It’s called: Bystander.
I am not to be misjudged. I want to be loved, but that fairy tale is so unlikely now.
I’m just another invisible, smiling face, just trying to hide it all. The pain, the tears, and the terror. My nightmares are painted the color of your eyes, your image drapes itself around my mind. The sound of your voice is echoing through my ears.
You would always tell me, I was going to regret leaving. you. But I don’t. Of course, there are days I look over my shoulder, expecting you to be there behind me. But you never are. I feel lucky I got away. The last time I saw you, I remember feeling so small. Afraid you would come for me, wrap your hands around my neck one last time.
I could have turned you in, should have turned you in. Every noise at night, I hope it isn’t you. I make sure every door is locked, always latch my windows. I remembered praying for death for so long, I didn’t know why….why you picked me. We had been friends, maybe that was why. You had gotten me to trust you, so I wouldn’t question you.
Years later, well…I’m still unsure where I am going; all because of you. If I go anywhere, I imagine you finding me and I disappear. I don’t want to be invisible again.
Alright alright alright!!! Hope y’all liked that! It’s a little darker piece, but hey that’s how I roll.
But anyways, as I said before, tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I happen to be an expert in being single on this day.
And I had a conversation with someone who like me, is single, and we came up with a list of things that are necessary for those of us who find ourselves single and (sadly) wanting, for things they can’t or don’t have.
Her and I felt it was important to instead of focusing on the negative side of being single, we should discuss the positive sides!!!!!! Because yes, there are many! And to use this weekend to exercise some self care!
If you happen to find yourselves alone at home this Valentine’s day; go out and get some ice cream, order a pizza, watch an ’80’s classic!, splurge on some expensive meal even! Buy the good wine!
Seriously, just do whatever makes you happy. It’s just a regular Saturday after all…be kind to yourself. You deserve love, so love yourself.
Alright I’m off to see me granny! Love you pups! Stay warm!
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Insomnia.
I see your face sometimes when I close my eyes. There’s so few nights when I sleep soundly anymore, surrounded in my thoughts, your face, it burdens me so. Yet your words, your voice, it’s like a broken cassette tape. Endlessly repeating in my ear, offering me some comfort.
I knew you never loved me, yet I can’t deny how much I loved you.
You remind me of a sleeping pill that got stuck in my windpipe. I used to think of you like a cup of tea, warm and stimulating. Now, I know I was just fooling myself. Your poison thrummed through my bloodstream so fast it made me dizzy.
When we finally went our separate ways, I spent months lying awake in my old bed. Never dreaming, just staring at the ceiling. We used to share a pillow, you were a blanket hog. I never could get used to having someone so close to me, but now I can’t get used to being so alone in the dark.
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It’s less of an addiction and more of a cure.
you remind me of my first cup of morning coffee.
always warming me from the inside out,
smooth like silk when you run your fingers across my skin.
there’s a richness to the tone of your voice when you’re still half asleep,
to this day, i have never heard a sound so sweet.
i have always craved that from you.
i drink you in like you were the only thing keeping me awake.
i smile knowing you are on the other side of the bed,
just a few inches away.
i feel you retreat from the warmth of our covers,
the springs creak your name,
begging your return.
but you don’t listen,
you can’t hear my bones and how they ache for your embrace again.
we spent last night in shadow,
silence crawling all around our heads,
i feel you pressing bruises into my skin;
a reminder you wanted to be there.
each morning, when the sun peeks over the trees;
i watch the golden light seep across your shoulders,
caressing your face just long enough to make you glitter.
what am i supposed to do now?
if i stay here, you will always get up to leave me when mornings break;
but if i leave you,
you’re not going to come after me.
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There was never any new sounds.
You know what I remember most?
The silence.
I spent years wrapped up in you, after we met on a calm summer night.
Summer breezes now remind me of your hugs, and I hate that. The late summer night we spent tucked into each other in your jeep was the first time I’ve ever let a lover see me cry. You held me soft, for the first and last time that night. It’s strange to think that it’s been almost four years now, since we met.
Sometimes I think about our last fight. We screamed so loudly at one another, you threw the weight of your passions at me, but it didn’t matter in the long run. We never listened to each other. We were like refracting magnets, always at odds. Eventually, we fell apart. Like an ancient sculpture in a flooded courtyard, the only thing we could do was leave.
We weren’t meant to stand together, I know that now. You always slept on my side of the bed, I could never get used to that. I had only ever dreamed alone, now I lie awake and wonder how I ever did.
The first time someone asked me if I missed you, I didn’t say yes. I hadn’t been lying, I didn’t miss you. I only longed for parts of you, not the whole thing.
Like, your arm. Not both, just one. The one that fit so perfectly under my neck at night. The one that coiled around my shoulder like a snake, holding me in place.
Your love was less like a hug, and more of a vice. When you held me, it felt soft. Your grip was strong, but it felt as if I could shatter if I tried to break loose.
In the end though, I didn’t shatter. I burst into an urgent flame, the heat from my chest sears off parts of you I had wanted to keep.
We loved like a heat wave; warm, but suffocating.
I hadn’t meant for our love to look like this. We turned in on ourselves like crumpled bits of paper.
There hasn’t been one part of me since, that has reallly wanted to turn around. I knew that last day, I had to leave you behind me. The last time I saw you, I knew I had made the right choice. You had turned yourself into a match head, waiting to strike yourself on a rock, just to burst out in flames like you had done when you ignited me the first time.
But I’ve long since snuffed that fire out of my veins. I am not made of fire anymore, just ashes and charred flesh.
I’ve always enjoyed the smell of gasoline in the air, like a scent to remind me to come back home.
Slowly, I had been cleaning my burned soul, cleansing the tarnished walls that still stood.
It’s been years now, since we held one another. Last night though, I thought about you. About how you had been the first person to light the match in my head, and the last one to notice I was on fire.
I used to sleep with a radio on, or a fan. But you always said that sound kept you awake. I had learned to be familiar with the quiet, now whenever I hear music in the dark, I think about you.
How you would have traced your fingers down the bend of my spine, pushing each vertebra back into my body. I had almost forgotten the sound of your voice, until I heard that crackling static from a song we had listened to for a whole summer. I’m unable to hear anything at night now. I committed your silent slumbers to memory, like a page in a memoir.
It’s not fair; we used to love loudly, like a concussion rattling our brains, everything always echoed. We spent days on end without the quiet hum of comfort.
But now, whenever I think about you, all I can remember is the silence.
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I’m still lost today.
Every year, my family takes a vacation to the mountains of North Carolina and every time I am there, I actually feel more at home than I do in the place I’ve lived my whole life. Each time I leave, I feel like a piece of me stays behind.
I wrote this last summer while I was there.
these mountains feel like home;
with its soft morning light,
rolling hills within my sight.
no matter where i roam;
they keep me safe
throughout the night.
the wind brings with it a peace,
almost like a baby bird taking it’s first timid flight.
twisting trails and small paths,
hide secrets of the past.
my soul stays here while i travel on.
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A change in weather.
You told me, you weren’t looking to save me.
But I didn’t ask you to save me.
I know you’re not looking to be saved either.
At least, not by me. I’m not hero material. Not even to myself.
Most days, everything here is bright and warm. You say everything there is still and steady. But sometimes life can become unpredictable.
Over here, my skies become yellow and silent. I hear sirens going off in the distance.
In your world, the ground beneath your feet starts shaking.
When the heavens and the earth open, all any of us can do is seek shelter and wait for it to be over.
My dear, I’m sorry. So sorry.
I think I should tell you, you are magnificent, strong and steadfast. Solid, tall and beautiful.
Like a cliff peak overlooking the ocean. A little rocky, sure, but oh how lovely you are. Quite picturesque, not perfect but no less remarkable. You say you’re broken and scarred, but I see you in a different light than you see yourself.
You claim you’re all jagged rock and sudden drop offs.
But I can tell you there are so many wonderful things about you.
You rise out of the depths of the vast ocean of your heavy despairing mind and you stand so tall, like a beacon, a marker for someone who is out at sea. Waves will break against you but, you never crumble completely.
Me, I’m more like a tree.
My roots are deep inside the ground here.
I’m scratched up bark and falling leaves.
I’ve had others hollow out my insides to make a home, only to abandon me when the weather turns cold.
I’m filled with holes, that have been burrowed into my flesh just to accommodate others. My leaves get plucked from my branches sometimes. But I do tend to change with each season. My bark has been stripped away, people have chopped me into pieces to provide them with warmth, the winds bend me this way and that whenever they please.
Neither of us are looking to be saved, that’s true. I’m not going to try to save you. And you can’t save me.
But we both could use a little conservation. It’s nice to have help if we need it. We aren’t in distress, but it’s nice to have someone looking out for you.
I can’t save you from that earthquake, we don’t have those here.
And you can’t save me from this tornado, you wouldn’t know how.
But when everything calms, and the clean up begins, I will call out for you, try to find you and make sure you’re still alive.
I won’t let you crumble if you can keep me well watered.
We weren’t made for each other, no. I can’t offer you love, or any sort of commitment, the only thing I have to give you, is at most a friend. If you need me, just know I’m here for you. Even if I can’t help you, I can at least observe as you help yourself. Just so you know you’re not alone.
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Intimacy
Intimacy; by definition, a close familiarity or friendship. A closeness.
We used to be closer than pages in an untouched encyclopedia, pressed into one another’s side so much we were a part of one another.
I remember the day we met; that memory sharp and vivid like a photograph at the front of my brain.
It’s been nearly ten years you know? We learned to march in step with one another, readying for the fight we knew would come our way one day.
And she did. She came for you, and we still weren’t prepared. When she hurled herself into your walls, I watched, as you tumbled down. A broken mass of a boy. No less of a man then when she had been a dot on the horizon line. I had heard the sirens calling, so I took shelter; but you, wanted to chase down that storm.
But when she rolled on through, you were left stuck under all the rubble of your love. I was the one who had to dig you out again.
We never really were the same after that. Now, instead of pages stuck together, we are like bookends. Always holding others up and steadying one another, but never touching.
We shared a certain closeness when we met, a quiet assurance. We knew each others minds as if they were our own. You used to be like my home, familiar and safe. Always warm and well lit. Now, I don’t remember the last time we talked.
We used to be the best of friends, people would always assume we were siblings. I had felt at one time, we could have been. I would have fought for you if I had to, but I lost that fight when you left with that weather storm of a woman.
For years afterwards, I watched you try and wash her taste from your tongue. Drowning yourself in whisky. She broke you into a billion pieces, all of them sharp.
Now, I can’t fit you back together.
The Warrior And Her Wolfhound Welcomes You. 