Sometimes I just want to ramble without worrying about sentence structure, or a specific topic… I feel like right now I’m emotionally drowning. There is something going on in my brain that just won’t quit screaming at me. Maybe it’s the stress of work, or the turmoil of the overturning of Roe V Wade, but lately I’ve been doing a lot of crying, and baking…and acting differently. I don’t know, something just feels wrong. I’m scared for the future, my future. I feel like in the last ten years I’ve gotten nowhere. I thought by the time I was in my thirties I would have things all figured out, hell at least have a savings account.. I’ve heard a lot of talk on TikTok about this multiverse, people make wishes for themselves in alternate dimensions… If the multiverse were real, I would hope there is a version of me who grew up not feeling like a burden, a version of me who was able to make friends and keep them, a version of me who didn’t hate herself so much, who didn’t drive recklessly in the hopes of becoming a piece of mangled flesh. I wish there was a version of me who was smart, and kind, who wasn’t always selfish. I wish there was a version of me who was quieter, gentler, better. The way my life has turned out has honestly been a train wreck, which is funny because I used to think my life in my early twenties was an absolute nightmare. I had no idea back then how good I had it. There is something to be said about wanting things you don’t have, or could never have.. but becoming someone who you never wanted to be is a seriously fucked up kind of torture. I used to want to be so much more than what I am…and trying to become that has not just been hard, it’s been impossible. I’ve never felt at home in my own brain.